Alice Soper: The formula behind New Zealand sport's endless cycle of reviews

A press conference following the release of the findings from a review into Cycling NZ. Photo / Getty

OPINION:

There is a formula that's been established in high-performance sports. It starts with the feeling that something might be off. We do not interrogate that feeling because we might still be winning but – sooner or later – there is an incident. This incident is very public and requires an urgent action. So, the review process begins.

Step one, appoint a lettered leader. A QSM, MNZM or QC will do. If you can, appoint a lead who has had to do one of these before, bonus points if their previous review was for you. If your incident concerns a women's sport or athlete, best to appoint someone whose fee is the same as your annual budget for their programme. What better investment could be made into the women's game?

Next, you must set the terms of reference to be broad enough to cover everything and therefore ensure it investigates no one. Make sure that the incident itself is simultaneously looked at in a separate process, behind closed doors. This private process will require a lot of emotional labour from all those involved in the incident, however, support offered will be patchy.

Now your process and important people are in place, defer all public comment until the completion of the review. You don't need to confirm a date for publication, just name a month for when you'll stop hearing testimony. This can then run over to allow more to participate and to allow you to make an announcement that has nothing to do with the themes surfacing but will later be held up as a sign of progress in your press release.

NZ Rugby CEO Mark Robinson with Phillipa Muir and Tammi Wilson Uluinayau during the Black Ferns cultural and environmental review announcement. Photo / Photosport

As the final report is being prepared, look for your human shield. Don't worry about the recommendation concerning shoulder tapping that will appear in your review, this person is talismanic in your sport. Their reputation will act as Teflon to any concerns about how seriously you are taking these recommendations. Have this person on standby to do all your media interviews in the days following the press conference. They weren't there, so can't comment on concerns raised in the review but have never been more excited to step into such a mess.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, first you must hold your press conference. You will want to find a windowless conference room and erect at least one wonky banner. Have your chief executive suitably earnest with an easily accessible defensiveness should the media stray too far off the preferred line of questioning. Make sure at least 50 per cent of your presentation panel are wāhine, even if other representatives would make more sense.

You don't need to worry about having any staff directly related to the incident there, chances are most of them already left after the first whisper of accountability. You may or may not, decide now to say sorry with the cameras rolling.

The review now complete, you wait patiently until your sport exits the news cycle. Trust has been restored as all the right things have been said by enough of the right people. The list of agreed recommendations may or may not be implemented. Hard to say – might need another review.