Pearl Valor has given further evidence in court about her time at the controversial Gloriavale community - breaking down in tears as she recalled being hungry, stealing food and being refused dental treatment.
But despite all of that she stayed, the guilt of what would happen if she left too great for her to escape.
"No matter how hard life was, I can't leave my work," she said.
Valor began giving evidence in the Employment Court about her Gloriavale experience yesterday.
This afternoon she took the stand to continue speaking about her life in court.
"Women are valuable for two things - working hard, usually at the expense of your own health and family," she said of Gloriavale.
"And having babies.
"The attitude of leaders to me as a woman can be summed up in one story - I had damaged a library book and had to pay $20.
"I went to the office and asked for $20 and they only had a $50 note and they would not give it to me as I could not be trusted to bring back $30.
"That is that nature of the place - they trust you to have children but not to bring back change."
Valor is well known for appearing in a TVNZ docuseries about Gloriavale that featured her wedding to husband Paul.
She has now left the community and is joining five other former members, Rose Standtrue, Serenity Pilgrim, Anna Courage, Crystal Loyal and Virginia Courage in seeking a legal ruling that they were employees and not volunteers at Gloriavale.
The women say they were effectively born into and kept in "servitude" - which is illegal in New Zealand - forced to work long days with no breaks and very little food or water.
Their case follows a similar action by a group of former Gloriavale men who the court ruled were employees from when they were just 6 years old.
Yesterday the court heard that Valor would get up at 2am to complete her work some days - fearing what may happen if she left anything unfinished.
She said she had to stop working when her husband became sick and was made to feel like the couple and their five children were "living on charity".
This, despite them both working full time for the community since they were young primary school children.
Today Valor gave further evidence.
Her husband and sister sat in the public gallery along with other supporters.
Current members of Gloriavale have also been watching the proceedings in court.
Valor said she had worked long and hard hours for most of her life inside the community and often went without for the good of Gloriavale.
She recalled a month of fasting where only porridge and steamed rice was allowed to be consumed - the plus side being tomato sauce could be used to "add flavour".
"I remember being hungry all the time," she said.
"I remember not being able to sleep at night and saying ... "mummy I'm so hungry."
She spoke of running away from school and stealing porridge and jam and hiding away while she ate it.
And she said when one member asked the community to pay for her wedding every person ate nothing but porridge for weeks.
"Whenever we needed to save money, the first thing to go is the food," she said.
"Food was used as a weapon."
Valor said she had "bad teeth" and always blamed herself for "eating too many sweets".
So, for more than five years she would give away any lollies she was gifted, scared of doing more damage.
Before she married she was asked if she had any special requests and she asked to have her teeth fixed.
Valor was allowed to go and get a quote - about $6000 - and was told no, that was too expensive.
She was told to go and get her bad teeth removed and get a partial plate.
"I went and had my teeth pulled one at a time," she said.
"I got the partial plate ... but it cut my mouth badly, I pulled it out and never put it back in."
Valor said doctors visits were discouraged and anyone who went was made to stand up at community meals and disclose why they were going for treatment.
The thought of that horrified Valor so she chose never to seek medical treatment.
She spoke of having an infected fingernail for up to 10 years which she was too scared to seek treatment for.
After their wedding, Paul Valor took his new wife to his mother to show her the damaged digit.
Valor eventually went to a doctor and she was told by the doctor that she needed antibiotics but he would not prescribe them because "you're married... you'll be pregnant or breastfeeding now"
She tried to treat the condition with essential oils which helped to a point.
Her finger is now permanently disfigured.
Valor also spoke of serious back and arm injuries that she was refused specialist care for.
As a result she has lifelong pain.
"This is just an example how the women were treated at Gloriavale," she said.
Another woman spent a week in hospital seriously ill.
Valor recalled then-leader Hopeful Christian standing in front of the whole community saying she was unwell because "she was a naughty girl and didn't eat her porridge"
When she returned she was refused pain relief because "it was considered evil".
"She had to suffer without it," said Valor.
One of the reasons Valor and her husband decided to leave the community was their discovery that they were having money "stolen" from them.
The couple were spending time outside the community and learned that they were receiving about $1400 a fortnight in tax credits for their family.
That money was going straight to the Gloriavale coffers.
Valor said she was shocked - particularly given she and her family had been made to feel so bad for not being able to work.
"People could be cruel at Gloriavale, and that came from the top," she said.
She also recalled her sister being called a "whore" for not parting her hair and having one clip instead of two; and of "being hauled over the coals" and "butchered" by senior leaders for allowing a friend to trim her own hair.
"You're not even a person, you're just an object ... It's really hard to see when you're in there," she told the court.
"Leaving is really hard - but it's really good."
A deep low-pressure system is directing southerly gales and powerful swells.