Yes, you think you're bulletproof now, but you'll need my guide one day, writes Wyn Drabble.
Yes, you think you're bulletproof now, but you'll need my guide one day, writes Wyn Drabble.
Opinion by Wyn Drabble
OPINION:
After spending considerable time on an elbow crutch, I’ve learned a few tricks of the trade which I feel I should pass on to other potential users. Oh yes, I know you feel bulletproof now, but the situation can change in an instant, and you might be very gladof my navigation guide.
Rule number one is to keep the crutch perpendicular to Mother Earth. Perfectly perpendicular. Even the slightest angle can yield results that might be comical to a casual bystander, but painful and embarrassing to you.
If, for example, you angle the crutch slightly ahead of you (forward of the bow) and the rubber stopper on the base of the stick lands on wet concrete, or in a puddle or mud, you are probably about to provide onlookers with some slapstick comedy.
The crutch will suddenly slide forward, aided by the pressure you are applying. You will land face-down in the puddle or mud (man overboard!). It will hurt. And you will look very silly.
There is also a lateral version (heeling), which is achieved by angling out to the side (leeward or windward). It looks just as silly.
There is another easy way to achieve horizontal status. After a brief stop, you are ready to set off again. You plant the base of the crutch firmly on the ground at a perfectly perpendicular angle, apply the pressure of your body weight (drop anchor) and take off.
Wyn Drabble.
Unfortunately, despite your exemplary angle of attack, your chosen patch of ground is actually the part of your jandal sole (amidships) that protrudes in front of your toes. The only way you are going is over and down onto the deck (deck).
Hobbling on an elbow crutch while holding a lead with a dog attached can also prove perilous. I use a very long lead so that Madam Dog has the chance to do more moving than my limited hobbling allows. To do this, you need to stay alert. Very alert.
If your pooch finds an interesting scent and excitedly follows it by vigorously tacking and jibing, she can wrap the rigging around your crutch or even bind your legs together in the manner made famous by a three-legged race. This means that when she suddenly takes off to chase a rabbit she has spotted... well... you know the rest.
From your fallen position, you could waggle the crutch angrily at the dog, but her response would probably be to come and lick you. Unless she sees another rabbit, in which case she could take off again, dragging you along behind her, your face scraping on the poop deck.
Something you will need to learn to put up with is the barrage of crutch puns that will be directed your way. There are more crutch puns than you could shake a crutch at, and invariably you will have heard them all before. They will be lame (in irons).
But there are positives. One is that the elbow crutch can be used to attract the notice of inattentive retailers. This happened to me at a gelato kiosk in a shopping mall just last week. The two crew members, one port, one starboard, were both extremely busy with social media on their phones.
After an extremely long wait, I rapped on the counter with the rubber-tipped end of my crutch (ahoy there!). Very swiftly, I had two people who simply couldn’t do enough for me (all hands on deck).
Turned out it wasn’t even very good gelato.
Let’s close with another positive to keep things on an even keel. With an elbow crutch, way more people hold doors open for you and stand clear of the gangway.
