Women's determined steps to success

By GEOFF CUMMING

It happens in many pubs on a quiet Thursday night: men gather to mull over the week's affairs and talk about sport. But there is one topic guaranteed to distract blokes from their apparent fixation with ball games: women.

Not the elbow-nudge analysis of the leggy blonde who just wafted past, but the broad topic of women's place in society.

Feminism has taught these men something: "We no longer open doors for them or choose the wine," says Brent, contemplating his pint. "And they swear like f***."

Prick the veneer and it's obvious the rising status of women has caused men to do some long, hard thinking. Issues such as equal opportunities, women bosses and men pulling their weight at home might once have bought a bar-room argument. Not so today.

In theory, these men accept workplace equality as fair and reasonable. But they have not quite realised women's hourly pay rate is only 84 per cent of men's - a gap that has closed by only five percentage points since 1984 - or that women are still under-represented in higher-paid jobs. Women might remain concentrated in service industries - including wholesale, retail, restaurants and hotels, business and financial services and social and personal services - but our bar-room pundits do not believe this has anything to do with men barring the way.

While they acknowledge the income gap as unfair, they see it as an inevitable consequence of biology. Only women can have babies and women continue to dominate as caregivers - taking time off work to raise children, at least in the pre-school years.

It might surprise them, too, to learn that the Human Rights Commission dealt with 120 sexual harassment complaints last year. Most were from women and most stemmed from work-based incidents. Disconcertingly, the number of complaints has risen in recent years.

But they have no qualms about women running the country. Consecutive women Prime Ministers and a few female Cabinet ministers have, they are relieved to see, made little difference to the handling of political issues, spending priorities or economic direction.

"Politics is politics," says Chris. "Whether it's a male or a female in charge doesn't matter."

Despite accounting for 51 per cent of the population, women, in fact, account for only six of the 20-member Cabinet. Yet these men clearly feel threatened. Andy, 47, an outwardly cheerful chap, shrugs his shoulders and says, without rancour: "At the rate things are going, it's only a matter of time before women completely dominate men."

Or Nigel: "What men are today is what's been spat out after women have gorged on them."

Or Scott: "Women today aren't interested in equality but in what they can get."

Asking men in bars about equality between the sexes promotes a mixed reaction. For some it's "don't go there" territory; for others an excuse to let off some testosterone in front of their mates.

But these men are reluctant to have their views on the status of women known outside their circle of trusted (male) friends.

Mike, a company manager, says men and women get along fine at work - for the most part. Men have modified their language and have come to respect women as professional equals, he believes. But disputes still arise and may be handled differently depending on gender.

"If my sales manager and I have a blow-out, within half an hour we can go and have a beer together. If it's a woman, she'll never forget it.

"Whether you like it or not, men and women are physically and emotionally different."

Most men are happy to take instructions from a female superior. Alex sums up feelings on the issue: "Women make no worse bosses than men."

Others struggle to think of ways in which women have changed work routines, possibly because family-friendly workplaces remain a rarity.

Still these men believe the trends are stacked in women's favour. They see young women leaving school with the same career aspirations as men, dominating tertiary education and delaying childbirth. The average age for a first-time mother is now 30.

Chris: "The status of women is changing almost overnight. In schools and universities they are leaving the males in the dust."

While affirmative action has taught men that "girls can do anything", they point out that not many choose to. Men account for almost all carpenters, joiners, mechanics, fitters and heavy truck drivers. Women still make up more than 90 per cent of secretaries, nurses and midwives.

It's an issue that continues to defy feminist analysis, but Chris, a father of two, thinks he has the answer.

"Some jobs are more suited to one sex purely in terms of their interests," he says. "When you bring up kids you realise that genders are different. Girls naturally like playing with dolls. Boys like soccer and rough and tumble. Without stereotyping, their interests are different."

On the other hand, automation is making it easier for women to do traditionally male roles, he says. "My sister is a bus driver part-time."

It's not just pub talk. Speak to office workers, friends and experts and you'll find men are remarkably relaxed about equality - at least in principle. The flashpoint has shifted to the complex area of personal relationships, and it's here where men lose the plot.

There are embittered men who want nothing more to do with women, confused men, men who think they know what women want, rueful men and men who consider themselves lucky.

"They don't even need us for sex any more," says Ruben, 28, who fears scientific advances could rub men out of the reproduction equation. "Women only need men on their terms. They have left men behind intellectually and emotionally."

There's a growing subculture of men who feel that the pendulum has swung too far. It's time, they argue, for men to stand up for their rights in areas ranging from education, where boys lack male role models, to divorce settlements.

The male backlash is brewing as women increasingly protest against inequalities in income and the division of labour in the household. Despite parental leave legislation, issues remain over the impact of child-rearing on career - and whether men should do more.

Most accept that with women increasingly juggling careers, childrearing and household duties, it's only fair that men do likewise.

Trevor, a father of two pre-schoolers who works from home, says his wife looks after the children while he's working. But outside working hours, responsibilities are split 50-50.

Such anecdotal evidence is supported by the 1998 Time Use Survey, which found that women do more unpaid work than men. But male researchers argue that the longer hours that men spend in paid employment, coupled with their growing involvement in childcare and domestic duties, scotch the myth that men are inherently lazy.

Yet the extent to which men put words into action clearly varies. Take Andy, 46, who's in a de facto marriage. As the main income earner, he controls the household budget and it's "wifey" who does most household chores - from cleaning the toilet to making the beds, cooking dinner, doing the dishes and putting the rubbish out.

It's a similar pattern in many households, although men are increasingly expressing themselves in the kitchen. Those who can afford it solve the division of labour issue by paying for it. A "cleaning lady" does the vacuuming, toilet and bath. Lawnmowers and gardeners - usually male - are hired.

These fathers say they have no qualms about staying home to look after children while the mother goes out to work.

"It comes down to who can earn the most," says Chris, 47. "It depends what works best for them."

Scott: "Men who stay at home are the happiest men I know. A man takes two hours to do the housework, a woman takes 10."

To which most women respond: "That's because men don't vacuum in the corners."

The emergence of stay-at-home fathers coincides with women's growing presence in the better-paid professions - including medicine, law, accountancy, commerce and finance. Presence, however, has still not translated into equal representation at the top.

The changes in male and female roles are for the better, says Chris, whose partner works with him, splitting her time between their small business and home.

Men and women are friends and equals on an intellectual as well as sexual level, he says. They make decisions jointly and work through problems together.

"Relationships with women are less superficial than with men - we don't just talk about fun things like rugby, racing and beer."

Women have, of course, broken into that staunchest male bastion - the watching (if not the anticipation) of sport. Marketing and rule changes have attracted women in droves to big stadiums, where rugby and cricket are just part of the entertainment. Richard, 38, says an afternoon in the stands with his partner means precious time together - and she knows as much about the tackled ball rule as he does.

The men's movement argues that boundaries between traditional male and female activities should not be completely broken by women's ascent. Just as women keep in touch with their feminine side, men must find outlets for their masculinity.

"It's very necessary for blokes to get together," says Trevor. "We tend not to do that as much as women do."

Feminism has given women opportunities that their mothers or grandmothers never had, says Trevor. Women have education and career opportunities and have "embarked on a journey of self-discovery". Men must do the same - "do what feels right without being hassled".

Nigel agrees: "I would have to say the emancipation of women has gelded men and turned them into PC blouses."

Females, in their view, have become less subservient and "more openly contemptuous of men".

Men appear increasingly confused. They see young women behaving as badly as young men, chalking up one-night stands. "Modern women have the freedom to send a myriad signals," says Scott.

"They make overt remarks about male hunks but it's wrong for us to treat women as sex objects. They want to be your equal but still expect to be wined and dined. They exploit men with their sexual power."

And the fledgling men's movement says that in the area of matrimonial property and child custody disputes the pendulum has swung too far.

Stuart Birks, director of Massey University's centre for public policy evaluation, says the Family Court invariably awards custody to the female partner.

The new Property Relationships Act hits men twice - they have to pay a lump sum on the basis of likely future earnings as well as weekly child support.

The legislation is discriminatory, says Birks, and prevents non-custodial parents, commonly the father, being effective parents.

"If a woman chooses to have a baby she will have a lifelong relationship with this child. If a man wants a family, any time she wants under the current legislation she can say 'sorry, you're out of here - but you still have to pay for the kids'."

Birks questions the justification for a raft of legislation favouring women, from health initiatives to employment law. He says men's views are neither sought nor listened to by Government researchers.

"In the present environment, men often get a raw deal."

Bruce Mackie, founder of the Mensline telephone counselling service, wonders why there is no male equivalent to the Ministry of Women's Affairs, which vets legislation for its impact on women.

"We have district health boards that have annual plan policies for women, children and the elderly but not for men."

Mackie says most men have no anxiety about women claiming a place in society, but have huge concerns about injustices in areas such as family law.

With one in four children growing up in one-parent, generally female, households and men withdrawing from the teaching profession, Mackie paints a disturbing picture.

"A boy can be born into a family that splits quite early. He grows up with a mother and itinerant boyfriends so men are seen to be discardable, not worth anything. He goes to kindergarten and school and finds they are all women. He's saying to himself 'education is sissy stuff'.

"He grows up to view other men as bastards or rapists. The little boy grows up with a perception of himself as inadequate or poor."

But Mackie stresses that the future need not be that bleak - it's a matter of righting the balance rather than undermining the progress women have made. "I think we are in a period of transition and it's a transition towards a much healthier society. The contribution women are making to society and the changes that have happened to women are to be applauded. I want to see more of it.

"Having said that, it's not women in power or in control that's the issue - it's justice and men's perception of how things are being handled. At this point in our history, it's not women that need to be put right - it's the issues of men that need to be addressed."

Plenty of men crying into their beers seem to agree.

Nigel: "What do women want? Everything they can get their hands on. They get their hands on a guy and they want every part of him and everything he might become."

Scott: "It's the lack of balance in the female equals good, male equals bad equation that gets me. The female is seen as the innocent party. Her role is not even discussed."

But Gary Hermansson, head of health and human development at Massey University, says men are beginning to regain their identity and power.

The issues arising from the feminist movement of the 1970s and 1980s have taken time to work through.

"Women were carrying political issues into relationships, men were wanting to crank up the power to maintain the status quo.

"They are now finding much healthier ways to work through those issues. Relationships are stronger in regard to the way gender roles are shaped and power is shared."

Hermansson cites the sharing of responsibilities for childcare and daily routines such as cooking, the growth of men's groups acknowledging masculinity and moves by American women's groups to celebrate traditional feminine roles.

"There are still some tensions to be sorted out. But there's scope for it to be much more healthy."

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