KEY POINTS:
The woman who talkback host Michael Laws branded a "dopehead" after her testimony in the Jack Nicholas murder trial is shocked by the verdict but has no regrets about her gruelling testimony.
In the end, Donna Kingi says, she had no choice but to tell someone what she knew. Living with a secret, while police searched fruitlessly for clues to the murder of 71-year-old Hawke's Bay farmer Jack Nicholas outside his farmhouse, was destroying the 34-year-old's life. She was haunted by the words "Girl I think I've just shot someone," words she alleges her former neighbour, Murray Foreman, said to her early one morning over the garden fence.
Speaking from her North Sydney home, Kingi told the Herald on Sunday the burden of guilt started to get to her.
"I started drinking very heavily ... I would drink anywhere between four and six bottles of wine a day. I would also drink a bottle of whisky a day."
Kingi says she became moody, frightened and anxious. She began arguing with her partner David Urwin.
"I wouldn't go out of the house ... Sometimes I'd be stuck in the house for three weeks without realising I hadn't been out."
One Christmas, feeling distraught and alone, she cut off her hair.
"I felt really ugly and hated myself. I felt really stuck and didn't know how to get out of it."
She feared the implications if she spoke out. The "whole of New Zealand" would find out about her cannabis-smoking habit.
"I just didn't think people would believe me because I was a smoker."
Kingi says she wanted it all to stop. One morning, three years ago, after the children had gone to school and Urwin was asleep after a night shift, Kingi tried to take her life.
"I just remember going to the shed and unlocking the car and getting inside it and turning on the ignition."
The next thing she remembers was Urwin hauling her out of the car.
It was at least a year before she confessed to her partner what was troubling her. They discussed what to do. Like Kingi, Urwin had been fond of his neighbour "Moe" (Murray Foreman) and Foreman's partner was Kingi's cousin, Lisa Whaturau.
Remembering an article about Jack Nicholas being a member of the Sensible Sentencing Trust, Kingi looked on the trust's website.
It was another two or three weeks of indecision before Kingi emailed Garth McVicar, spokesman for the trust. There was no turning back.
During the murder trial the defence made much of the $50,000 reward offered for evidence leading to a conviction, claiming Kingi was motivated by money.
But Kingi, backed by McVicar, disputes that and describes the accusation as a "low blow" and a "cheap shot". It was not until several weeks after contacting McVicar that she read about the reward in an article he sent.
"Does he (the defence lawyer) think I would've gone through this shattering experience just for the money?" In the end the reward was never paid but the police have contributed $50,000 towards the family's accommodation and phone bill expenses while in Australia. Police said it was the cheapest form of witness protection and after Kingi attempted suicide her partner David lost his job because he was scared to leave her at home alone.
But, says Kingi, the trial has cost her much more, both in emotional trauma and financial hardship. Urwin lost his job as a storeman because of time taken off to accompany Kingi back to New Zealand and to stay home with her after her suicide attempt. "He was too scared to leave me alone in the house," she says.
Kingi was too unwell to work and the family struggled financially. After four years away, she and Urwin still can't get residency in Australia because of their return trips to New Zealand, including a trip when Kingi was wired during a meeting with Foreman and the conversation recorded.
When she heard the not guilty verdict, Kingi says she was shocked.
"I am so disappointed."
Speaking to Jack Nicholas' widow Agnes after the verdict, Kingi searched for the right words.
"I didn't know what to say to her."
After Kingi gave evidence the first time, Agnes Nicholas sent her a heart-shaped diary as a gift.
Kingi used it to write her account of what happened that cold, crisp morning on August 27, 2004, when Foreman arrived home at the tiny seaside village of Haumoana, and spoke to Kingi in her next door garden. After the trial, Kingi gave Nicholas the diary back, this time filled with words - a gesture which reduced the older woman to tears.
Now back working at an office as a temp, Kingi is unsure of her future, how to start rebuilding her life.
She doubts she can resettle in Haumoana because of what has happened over the past four years.
Her daughters resented Kingi speaking out because it meant they had to live in Australia, away from family in New Zealand.
One daughter now lives with her father in Napier and another with Kingi's parents, also in Hawke's Bay.
Since the verdict Kingi's parents have received threatening phone calls. One caller, when Kingi's daughter answered, accused Kingi of being "nothing but a lying bitch".
Her other daughter in New Zealand has been bullied and called names, she says.
Shattering though the experience has been, Kingi has no regrets. Her conscience is clear and she no longer has to live with the burden of a secret. "I've told the truth and was honest and sincere with everything."
