Winston has all the props for his latest pantomime

Winston Peters

Scene One

Dull day in pre-campaign period so notice foreshadowing "major announcement" at Winston Peters press conference at Parliament attracts a large muster of reporters.

Extras planted in the room: two NZ First flunkies, one with small silver briefcase containing red and blue cellphone; the other with two cellphones primed to call the numbers in the briefcase.

Scene Two

[Enter Winston Peters, stage right. ]

Peters: [feigned politeness] Thanks for coming. The purpose of this press conference today is to acquaint you with the action New Zealand First is taking in getting the 2005 general election under way ... The Prime Minister's reluctance to come to the starting blocks is becoming very annoying and it looks like we are going to have to start the race without her ... New Zealand First is announcing that our campaign launch will occur on Sunday, 31 July at 1pm at the Bruce Mason Centre in Takapuna, Auckland.

Any questions?

Reporter A: Why should she announce the date now?

Peters: Why should it be in the hands of one person? We don't operate like a Chinese tong surely in 2005? In an evolving democracy maybe we should share that with the people.

Reporter B: But that's the way it's always been.

Peters: Why don't you wear last century's clothes then, if that's the way it always was.

Reporter C: Aren't you talking a whole lot of hogwash really? Basically you're saying the Prime Minister is keeping New Zealanders in the dark in terms of the election date, but in fact you're not saying anything about who you're going to go with, if you get there. You're indulging in hypocrisy.

Peters: [cue] You're asking who I'm going to go with? [Cue for flunky B to press dial on pre-set cellphone. Cellphone in briefcase rings. Flunky A presents it to Peters].

Peters: [answers phone] "Hello. Don who? Don I've got a press conference here and they want to know who you're going with. What do you mean you don't know? I'm expected to know. How can that be fair? ... [Other cellphone rings. Puts back blue cellphone. Picks up red one].

Peters: "Hi Helen. That's a coincidence. I've got Don on the phone. Now look, there's a press conference going on here on the 16th floor of Bowen House. The media want to know who you are going with. What do you mean you don't know? I'm expected to know ... [back to the reporter] "There's your answer."

Reporter D: She has already said who she wants to go with.

Peters: No she has not. She hasn't said who she'd be prepared to go with and nor has Don Brash and I hope I never hear that silly question again in this campaign.

Reporter D: I think you might.

Peters: This is going to be a campaign in which leadership is going to be a critical issue, make no bones about it. It will be the No 1 issue in 2005.

Reporter E: Who do you think is the better leader?

Peters: Modesty prevents me from saying.