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If long-lost murder suspect Lord Lucan had escaped to New Zealand and reinvented himself as British expat Roger Woodgate, he would have had to lose 10 years in age, 12 centimetres in height and develop a distinctive gap in his teeth.
He would have gone from the privileged life of an English peer mixing with aristocrats in London to sleeping in the back of a decrepit Land Rover on the outskirts of Marton, with nothing but a pet possum and a cat for company.
It's possible to believe that a guilt-stricken Lucan - who vanished after the nanny of his children was killed more than 30 years ago - could have gone to such extremes. But that just isn't the case, says Mr Woodgate.
And he's had it confirmed by former Scotland Yard detective inspector Sidney Ball, who was asked to check out a claim that Lucan was living as a recluse in Marton.
"Sidney came to see me on Tuesday," Mr Woodgate told the Herald. "He said, 'I can tell you you're not Lord Lucan', and I said, 'I already know that.'
"I'm 10 years too young and five inches too short. And I have a gap in my teeth that he apparently did not. You could make us look similar but you would have to jack it up."
Lucan, who would be 72 years old today, went missing in 1974 on the night his nanny Sandra Rivett was battered to death in the family's home in Belgravia, London. His bloodstained car was found near the English coast three days later.
Some say he drowned himself; others believe he fled abroad.
Despite a 1999 High Court declaration that Lucan was officially dead, three years ago London Police reopened the investigation to employ DNA profiling and computer imaging.
Mr Ball, who solved more than 150 murders for Scotland Yard before retiring to New Zealand, had been asked to look into the case while filming a programme about feuding neighbours.
Mr Woodgate, 62, said the rumour was started by his neighbours.
He said he had never even heard of Lucan until the tabloid press came knocking.
"I've never murdered any nannies. Or anyone."
