I’ve been a fan of professional wrestling since my first year of university, nearly six years ago.
I found myself captivated by the weird world of the medium, the physical feats on display, the pageantry, the characters and the unique method of storytelling.
But could I do that?
To answer that question, I got in touch with Ben Thorpe, head trainer of River City Pro Wrestling.
He agreed for me to come along to one of their regular training sessions so I could test my mettle as a wrestler.
I was surprised by how much smaller I was compared to the other trainees. Calling me a cruiserweight would be generous.
Almost all of them had around a head on me in height and my arms looked even more like noodles than usual.
Thankfully the bedrock of wrestling isn’t raw strength or muscles, but coordination, cardio and timing.
After a warmup of high knees and burpees, Thorpe led me and the other trainees through three fundamental aspects of wrestling, rolls, bumps and running the ropes.
Thorpe placed me at the back of the queue so I could watch the rest of the trainees do it before I had a go and with each new drill I thought to myself.
I did them - but with varying amounts of awkwardness.
Front rolls and rolling off my right shoulder came with relative ease, but rolling off the left shoulder and backward rolls not so much.
As I rolled backwards, going from a squat and pushing my legs out to roll over my back onto my feet, I thought of The Rock taking a Stone Cold Stunner, ‘So that’s how he did it.’
Sadly my rolls were much less graceful.
We then moved on to taking bumps, which is wrestling lingo for falling over in the ring.
Thorpe had me start from a squatting position rather than fully standing up like the other trainees and explained the way you bump is to kick your legs out as you fall backwards, outstretch your arms as wide as possible and slap the mat with both hands when you land to take as much force off the back as possible.
He also told me to tuck my chin in as I landed, a lesson I learned the hard way after I came up from my first bump feeling like the mat slapped the back of my head.
Lesson learned, the next two I got right.
“Good timing,” one of the wrestlers said on my third.
The final of my three lessons for the night was learning how to run the ropes, running from one end of the ring to the other, bouncing off the ropes and then running back in the other direction.
As I watched the other trainees, Thorpe explained you take a set number of steps across the ring - three for me - before turning, reaching out to wrap your right arm around the top rope and leaning back into the ropes.
He also told me to keep both feet on the mat as I leaned into the ropes and always take my first step off the ropes with my left foot.
Hearing this I realised how much of wrestling revolves around rhythm, repeating movements and patterns.
When you do a forward roll, grab hold of your legs while you roll. When you bump, get up on your right side. When you get into the ring, wipe your feet on the apron before you step between the ropes. When you arrive at the gym, shake hands with everyone there. Reach out with your right arm. Step off with your left foot.
Running the ropes felt almost like a dance. Step-two-three-turn-two-lean-two-step-two-three. My previous experience with playing music unexpectedly came in handy.
While the physical training was over, the night still had more in store for me.
Thorpe asked one of the other wrestlers, a blonde-haired guy named Harry Williams (no relation) to practice his promo skills.
A promo is when a wrestler comes out to the ring to speak to the crowd, which in this case was me as I volunteered to be Harry’s subject, wanting to get the full wrestler experience.
I draped myself in the corner of the ring and grinned like an idiot while Harry, a bad guy or ‘heel’ in wrestling terms, called me “Blueberry Boy” and made a four-eyes joke at me. My response of taking my glasses off may have put him off though.
The cherry on the cake came when Thorpe asked me if I wanted to try making a wrestler’s entrance.
Being a big nerd, I already had a perfect entrance in mind and a song picked out, I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness.
While I waited outside for the music to kick in I did my best to summon my inner wrestler. I’m not a skinny and sweaty journalist, I told myself, but a world-travelled athlete ready to put on a 30-minute classic with Bryan Danielson.
The opening lyrics were my cue to burst into the building and I did so with as much pizzazz as I could muster.
“Come on lemme hear ya,” I said to the audience of ten or so, my arms outstretched trying to gee them up, most of them even chant my name, except for one who boos, tough crowd.
It felt good to make my way into the ring, almost like how I imagined it until I became acutely aware of the other trainees’ gazes and as I entered the ring I realised I had no idea what to do next.
Maybe I should climb the ropes and strike a pose, but those ropes were loose and I didn’t want to end my night by crippling myself on the gym’s concrete floor so instead I just said “That’s all I got.” The wrestlers clapped for my effort though, which was generous of them.
I was a long way from that 30-minute Bryan Danielson match, but I felt I did alright.
I left the night satisfied but sore and with an inkling of the physical strain wrestling takes on the body
For much of the following week, my shoulders and neck were sore and stiff and I had difficulties getting up from chairs as my quads felt 10 times heavier than normal.
However, it also reminded me that exercise is fun and if there are any wrestling fans reading this who have also thought of giving it a go, do it. You probably won’t headline Wrestlemania, but you will have a good time.
People can get in touch with River City Pro Wrestling for training on their Facebook page.
River City Pro also have their second-ever show ‘The Reckoning’ happening at the Whanganui Racecourse on February 10, 2024.
Finn Williams is a multimedia journalist for the Whanganui Chronicle. He joined the Chronicle in early 2022 and regularly covers stories about business, events and emergencies. He also enjoys writing opinion columns on whatever interests him.
The 19-year-old disappeared without her wallet or mobile phone.