Wairarapa rises up against abuse

White Ribbon day, pictured from left, Corrinne Oliver, Like Minds Like Me co-ordinator, Matthew Wills and Te-Ariki hand out white ribbons on the streets of Masterton.

WAIRARAPA care agencies have organised local activities commemorating National White Ribbon Month, such as a gig at King St Live and a relay race down Queen St, to raise awareness of violence against women in New Zealand.

Abby*, of Masterton, is choosing to raise awareness by sharing her experiences of abuse by a man who professed to love her.

Abby was subjected to emotional, psychological and financial abuse by a former partner for almost two years.

She is determined to tell her story, so women like her are inspired to reach out for help.

"If I put my story out there, someone might say 'Gee, I think that's me.' Or, 'that sounds like my mother, sister, or friend,' she said. "Hopefully they can say, 'let's get some help."'

Abby was blindsided by her partner's behaviour as she believed she didn't fit the stereotype of a woman in an abusive relationship.

Financially secure, fiercely independent and from a "nice middle class background", she never imagined finding herself in such a situation.

"I described myself as a very strong-willed type of person. I thought anyone who stayed in an abusive relationship was weak," Abby said.

"But that's what I want to get across - abuse can happen to anyone regardless of their upbringing, financial position or ethnicity."

When Abby first met her ex-boyfriend, he was charming, affectionate and seemed like "the perfect partner". But after six months, the facade dropped, and the put-downs, constant criticism and controlling behaviours began.

"Whenever I tried to confront him about his behaviour, he would downplay it, something I later learnt was common among abusers," said Abby.

"Meanwhile, to everyone in his community, his friends and his family, he's a great guy."

As is common with such abuse, his behaviour was cyclical: If she tried to address the abuse or end the relationship, he would "be really apologetic, say how much he loved [her] and that it would never happen again."

But the abusive behaviour would return.

When the relationship finally ended, Abby sought help from a counsellor. Later, she attended support groups for victims of domestic abuse at Stopping Violence Services Wairarapa, led by manager and counsellor Jeremy Logan.

"Another lady on my course said whenever I spoke during class she thought 'how do you know my ex-partner?"' Abby said.

"There seem to be so many commonalities amongst abusers. But it was amazing to see women coming into the classes and feeling really empowered through the support and education we received."

Since seeking help, and having time to work through her experience, Abby said she has felt "happier than ever before", andappreciates her freedom and safety.But she is aware many women do not enjoy the same freedom.

"When are we, as a society, going to say 'enough is enough'? It has to stop.

"We still think violence against women is in the realm of other people's problems ".

It is Abby's biggest hope that, through reading her story, more women feel able to speak up especially those who carry invisible scars.

"People afterwards would ask, 'did he hit you?' But they don't need to hit you to hurt you. The psychological stuff is just as damaging." "If you think your relationship might be abusive reach out. Don't be afraid or ashamed."

* Not her real name.