Urzila Carlson: Driving me crazy

'I drove for the first time when I was about 10 years old. My mother and i would drive the car on the farm where the biggest risk was running out of petrol.'

Comedian and top-class driver Urzila Carlson explains why it’s easier to drive in New Zealand than South Africa and why she’s not a good passenger.

I want to start by saying that I am a very responsible driver. I am the holder of a full driver's licence in more than one country. I have done an advance driver's course and I am very confident behind the wheel of a car, car and trailer, van, or light commercial truck.

However, that said, I do want to point out that I love road rage and I'm a brutal critic when it comes to other people's driving. I'm an awful passenger and if I'm ever a passenger in your car, even if I say I don't mind and with you it's different, I would really rather be driving and you'd be in the back being quietly impressed by my excellent driving.

I drove for the first time when I was about 10 years old. My brother and I would drive the car on the farm where the biggest risk we faced was getting stuck somewhere with the car or running out of petrol. In town, however, we used to sneak off with my mother's 1974 VW Passat hatchback. It was automatic, which is to this day rare in South Africa.

We'd "borrow" it while she had a nap and drive around our neighbourhood. The biggest risk we faced was Mum waking up and tanning our hides! That never happened though. I think she just enjoyed the peace and quiet, because I know for a fact that my sister narked on us more than once.

I only got my full licence the day before my 21st birthday because I bought myself my first car for my birthday, so I needed it. South African roads are treacherous; they are filled with potholes, cars that are not roadworthy and speeding dickheads. The speed limit in South Africa is 120km/h, but most people push it up to 140, which is the same thing that happens in New Zealand; the limit is 100 but most people push it up to 110. There is a vast difference between 110 and 140 (which is cruising speed), however, so accidents are usually deadly.

I've seen loads of fatal accidents in South Africa. I think it would be rare to find a South African who has never once driven past a fatal car accident. Roads in SA are usually very congested and that makes for impatient drivers who aren't very courteous.

I was happy to know that New Zealand had lower speed limits, so once I'd arrived here I felt more relaxed on the roads. That said, I did get a speeding ticket on my very first day driving here because the adjustment was too big. Your petrol foot has a memory of how heavy to push and 50 km/h is just pulling away for us.

Here, I think drivers are oblivious to what's going on around them and they take bigger risks - because we go so much slower, you think if someone hits you it's just a bumper bashing because you aren't going fast enough to cause massive damage.

The biggest problem I and other New Zealanders face are passing lanes, as it's not a passing lane it's a performance-enhancing lane. You can be stuck behind a tiny car going 45km/h and then you see that sign that lights up your day and gives hope to your heart. The sign that says "Passing lane 2km" and you think, "Thank God!" But something strange happens as soon as you hit the passing lane ... the tiny car goes into jet mode and bolts up the passing lane so fast you can't even see it, while your 2L Subaru Legacy can barely get up the hill.

Then, just as you see the "lanes merge in 200m" sign, and it's absolutely 100 per cent too dangerous to pass, the wee car runs out of steam again and you have to brake so hard that you can smell brake pads for the next 20kms and your eyeballs make little wet dots on the inside of the windscreen.

That makes me furious and makes my road rage boil over, and I pop out of my car window in order to show them something on my finger.

I guess what I've learned is, it doesn't matter where you live, make sure you go to the bathroom before a long trip, and take deep breaths.

My mother always tells me it doesn't matter how good a driver you are, you have to worry about how good a driver everyone else on the road is.

Stay alert, stay alive and slow down in passing lanes: don't be a hero, let people pass.

Urzila Carlson joins the 7 Days Live Tour, which begins in Wellington on November 30. 7 Days is on TV3, Fridays at 9.40pm.