Unlocking the secrets of life

Motoring editor ALASTAIR SLOANE finds out that when you lose your keys, there's only so much you can blame the wife for before having to pay for a new set.

Lost your car keys, huh? So you phone your wife and ask her to drop off the spare set. They're taped under your bedside table.

She phones back. No they're not. There's nothing under your bedside table but a dusty old sock. Then you must have moved them, you tell her. Wives always move things. That's what they do best.

She says you're dreaming. What would she be doing hunting for spare car keys under your bedside table?

You're a dope, she says. Why would you hide them there? Now you've gone and lost both sets.

Maybe, just maybe, she's right. Who ya gonna call?

Forget the hardware shop down the road. Cutting a car key is out of its league today. Okay, so it can cut one from a basic original. It might even open the car door and fit the ignition. But it won't start the engine. Not in modern cars, with their sophisticated engine immobilisers, anti-theft devices and remote controls with transponders.

Today's car keys have computer chips in them. In a nutshell, these chips use an electronic password to "talk" to the car's central computer. They say: "Hi, it's me. You can tell the car to fire up all its functions and start now."

Pretty clever, eh? But such sophistication has its downside. Your wife will tell you that later. You should have been more careful, she will say. What were you thinking?

Your first call would be to the dealer you bought the car from. Toyota supplies new-car buyers with three sets of keys: two master and one slave. Best not to mention slave to your wife.

Attached to each set is a large label warning the owner against being a dope and losing the keys.

It says: "Your vehicle is fitted with a sophisticated anti-theft system. This will prevent your vehicle from being driven without a valid key. You must have at least one master (black) key for a new key to be programmed. Failure to retain at least one master key will result in the need to install a new engine computer."

Programming a new Toyota key can take 24 hours and cost between $100 and $300, depending on the model.

Fitting a new Toyota engine computer can take the same amount of time and cost around $3000 - unless you have insured against losing the keys with Toyota Vehicle Insurance. This is something your wife might pick you up on.

Holden hands out two sets of keys with each new car. Replacement keys can be reprogrammed within 24 hours at a cost of around $100 - that's once Holden is satisfied that there is no skulduggery going on.

Same with Ford. It can recode a key inside 15 minutes. But if both sets are lost, Ford itself transports the car to a dealer where it will sit until new keys are issued. This is a Ford security requirement.

Lose both sets of "keyless" infra-red keys to your Mercedes-Benz and replacements have to be reprogrammed in Australia. This can cost between $200 and $300. That's at the moment. DaimlerChrysler in New Zealand is about to set up its own reprogramming system.

Chrysler dealers will come up with replacements within a day or so if a Jeep Wrangler owner, for example, loses both sets of keys in the bush. Cost is around $100 and the loss will take some explaining.

Jaguar owners are given two remotes, two main door keys and a valet key. The valet key fits the boot and glovebox only and allows the owner to lock valuables away while the vehicle is being a given a spit and polish. Wives like valet keys.

Valet and door keys are cheaper to replace, too. About $100 a key. The remotes, however, work out between $350 and $500 each. Turnaround is a day or so and the reprogramming is done in New Zealand.

Not so Alfa Romeo. Replacement keys come from Italy, where the records of the cars are kept. Two new sets can cost upwards of $200, depending on the model, and take more than a week to arrive.

"It's a fact of life, being on the opposite side of the world to the manufacturer," said an Alfa spokesman.

The New Zealand importer has to phone Alfa in Milan to advise it of the loss and fax a lost-property form, quoting the car's chassis number.

Three sets of remote-control keys come with each new Volkswagen and Audi - two for the owner and one for the distributor. Replacements cost upwards of $100. Porsches also come with three sets. The cost of a replacement is largely borne by Porsche.

BMW issues four keys with each new car. Two remote-control keys open and shut everything; one is a plastic "purse" key for emergencies and the fourth is what BMW calls a "hotel" key: it does everything except open the boot and glovebox, the opposite of Jaguar's valet.

Each of the four BMW keys activates the engine immobiliser. Another anti-theft extra is electronic. Say your wife loses her key to the family 3-Series. You tell BMW and BMW dials up the car's main computer modem and tells it to tell the car not to respond to the missing key.

If your wife finds it buried in her handbag a week later, BMW can reverse the electronic order. That's if you remember to phone them.