Two-home children can have best of both worlds

Naomi-Jade, 7, with separated parents Kevin and Angela McIntyre. Picture / Richard Robinson

The term "solo parent" no longer reflects reality for many split New Zealand families, says a new report.

New terms such as "two-home child" or "two-household child" would indicate that many children now split their lives between two separated parents, say the authors of the Families Commission study, Paul Callister and Stuart Birks.

National Party welfare spokeswoman Judith Collins welcomed the change, emphasising that "both parents of a child should be responsible, for as long as they are alive, for children".

But an Act candidate who has petitioned to abolish the domestic purposes benefit, Lindsay Mitchell, said changing the terminology would mean accepting "what I hope will be a reversible trend" towards more marriage breakups.

"'Separated child' is a forlorn sort of description," she said. "And what does that child become if the parent repartners?"

West Auckland parents Angela and Kevin McIntyre, who have equally shared the parenting of their daughter Naomi since they split four years ago, said the bald term "solo parent" did not describe either of them.

"I always say I'm a solo parent part-time," Mr McIntyre said.

Mrs McIntyre lives in Waitakere village on the domestic purposes benefit and has Naomi three hours after school, even nights when she stays at her father's in Kumeu. But the parents juggle their lives so Naomi spends exactly half her nights in each home.

"So no, I don't think I do call myself a solo parent, because I'm not," said Mrs McIntyre. "I'm not doing it all on my own."

Households with children and only one parent have increased in the past 30 years from 10 per cent to 29 per cent of all homes with children.

No one knows how many of those children actually see only one parent. But the report says that if Australian patterns apply here, only about 21 per cent of households with children are true "solo families", seeing their other parents less than once a week.

Only about 8 per cent see their other parent less than once a year or never.

Most Australian children in split families stay most of the time with one parent and go to the other one only at weekends or a day or two a fortnight. But the proportion who, like Naomi McIntyre, spend at least a third of the time with each parent doubled from 3 per cent in 1997 to 6 per cent in 2003.

Mr Birks said this month's Census was typical of officialdom's failure to catch up with split families, asking people only about their relationships to other people in the same house.

The online Census guide says: "For example, if someone in the same household as you acts as your mother and you think of her as your mother, select 'my mother'."

"They have to be in the same household to count as the same family," Mr Birks said. "But for a lot of children in two-parent families, the parent could well be living somewhere else."

Palmerston North college student Leonie Etheridge, 16, wrote in the names of six people who live in the same house as her: her father, stepmother and two step-sisters, who live in the same house as her one week in each fortnight; and her mother and brother, who live in the same house as her every other week.

"I think they maybe should include a question about if you are in shared custody or in two places," she said.

Leonie has had two houses for as long as she can remember and said she wouldn't want it any other way because she wanted to see both parents.

But she admitted to some hassles: "Giving out my phone number is really confusing because I have to ask if they are going to ring me this week or next week."

Mrs McIntyre said that when she and her husband "grew apart", they were determined not to let their break upset Naomi.

"When it all happened, she was 3," she said.

"I built up her enthusiasm by saying, 'Oh, you're going to have two houses,' rather than dwelling on anything that was adult.

"She still says, 'I wish Mum and Dad still lived together.' But she's always excited to see us. She's got the same things that she needs at each house. It really is having two houses."