We need to be angry, and we need to express it, but we need to be angry with the social systems that allowed this to happen. The crimes against my daughter started out as anti-social behaviour – aka school bullying. Then it escalated. I tried to get help with the bullying in all the logical ways. Despite all my resources and professional training, I could not stop him. His behaviour kept escalating.
In the court this week, the judge read the statement of facts behind offending. Listening was excruciating. The judge described how after he had raped her, the offender ran into one of the girls on the street. His reaction when he saw her was to spit on her. The survivor reports that he then boasted about it (the spitting) on social media. Think about that. Sit with the nauseating discomfort of what this additional context represents. Just for a moment.
This is not a one-off. He is not a one-off. It is happening EVERYWHERE. We need to be so angry that we work together to tear down the systems that promulgate rape culture. We need to start again.
For me, watching this, living this horror for the past five years (and the years before that while this person's behaviour was escalating to its current criminal level), the overarching point is we need to teach our boys that women are not their playthings. They are not their property. They are not pieces of meat to use and discard. No means no. Anything less than a "hell yes" means NO. Unless it's a "hell yes", then it's all off. End of story.
If you read the full judgment from this week's sentencing, when it is published, this is what the judge said to the offender. This is her message to the community. To all of us.
We all have a responsibility as parents, as participants in institutions (like schools and businesses and sports clubs) and as members of a community to refuse to allow anti-social and violent behaviour to flourish in the shadows.
Call your gropey friend out, don't laugh it off just because he's drunk. Or more specifically stop being a gross rapey offensive dude. If you see someone acting inappropriately, stop it. Stand up for other people, especially young people. Help them. Don't look the other way. Be brave. Have some integrity.
If your kid tells you something is "off" at school, bowl in there with evidence and advocate for them. Demand action. Don't let the school silence you. Keep raging against the system.
If it's your kid that is going off the rails, get help, real help - hell, move them away somewhere if you have to - until you're happy they've got the self-control to safely go out with their peers and not hurt people or themselves. Don't let them drink if you're not sure they can do it responsibly.
If your efforts don't work at first. Keep trying. Please don't give up. Don't prioritise your own shame and embarrassment over the future of your kids and the kids they might hurt. I know it's hard. It's the hardest thing. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it's our job to get them through it. No matter how difficult some of the subject matter we must face becomes. Don't stop until you're sure your kid is under control and will not harm others or themselves. Consult professionals.
Do your best to stop your sons/kids from consuming hardcore pornography. This was a persistent theme in this case. Parent your child. If they do something wrong, make sure they experience consequences. If you don't know how to parent, go to a parenting course. Read the advice of qualified experts. Don't flake. Care as much about the social consciousness of your children as you do about their grades.
Uncomfortable consequences serve to modify future behaviour. Perhaps if this, then kid, now man, had been appropriately guided, punished, suffered consequences when he was being an anti-social a***hole at the very beginning of this, before he became a serial rapist, he and all of the survivors and their many, many affected close contacts, would not have had their lives derailed.
Above all, we as parents need to pull our heads out of our collective arses and face the fact that teenage sexual violence is rife; it is unimpeded. It is being permitted when we let our kids have unlimited access to alcohol, unsupervised houses and protection when they f*** things up. It's also being permitted when we look the other way and turn a blind eye because we're not brave enough to face the truth of what we know, or suspect is happening.
We need to celebrate these girls. They have faced a systemic avalanche, a veritable tsunami of difficulty in getting where they've got. They went through medical examinations, countless hours of police interviews, video statements, victim impact statements, speculation and mockery on the playground. Years and years of delay. Rumour, innuendo and aggression from this guy's support people was a persistent and particularly horrendous feature.
Rosie Veldkamp, Ellie Oram and Mia Edmonds and all of the other survivors are heroes. They are the changemakers, they are the disruptors we all need. They are our cultural wake-up call.
They are wāhine toa, they are strong and they are eloquent and they will not just fade away or cry in the shadows. They were heard this week. Every sob as the statement of facts in this case in all of the offences was read out was heard in that room by all of the people there. All of this effort was not to put this guy in prison. They are not vengeful.
The point of it all was to stop this guy raping and sexually assaulting others but also on a wider, community level to call to all of us to say no to this behaviour.
Raging against the decision online is not applying effort. A grassroots acknowledgement of what we as a community have allowed to go on, is needed.
I call upon all readers of this piece to climb aboard and help the survivors to initiate systemic change. Learn about this topic. It will require us all to move from behind the keyboards and to be brave in real life.
I need to thank Ruth Money, she is an absolute powerhouse of advocacy. She and the two police officers in charge of this case were relentless and respectful and oh so calm. They walked with Mia and the many other survivors every step of the way - both figuratively and in the courtroom, literally. Ruth is a volunteer victim advocate. Thank you so much Ruth, we can never repay you for your care.
Sexual harm - Where to get help
If it's an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
If you've ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact href='https://safetotalk.nz/' target='_blank'>Safe to Talk confidentially, any time 24/7:
• Call 0800 044 334
• Text 4334
• Email support@safetotalk.nz
• For more info or to web chat visit target='_blank'>safetotalk.nz
Alternatively contact your local police station - href='http://www.police.govt.nz/contact-us/stations' target='_blank'>click here for a list.
If you have been sexually assaulted, remember it's not your fault.
