Toby Manhire: Resolutions? I've got it all covered

I resolve not to mess with North Korea. Photo / from The Interview, a comedy action film about a plot to assasinate Kim Jong Un of North Korea

With Christmas out of the way, it's time to sit bloatedly down and set some goals for 2015. Here are my 1000 New Year resolutions, which you'll almost certainly find inspirational and adopt as your own.

I resolve to rage at slow drivers accelerating in passing lanes.

I resolve to decline your Linkedin invitation.

I resolve to become irrationally superstitious about the Rugby World Cup.

I resolve to click "yes, I have read and understood the terms and conditions" when obviously I haven't.

I resolve to demand an explanation. I resolve to demand an apology. I resolve to demand a resignation.

I resolve not to start a blog.

I resolve not to have learnings going forward, nor suboptimal pathways or impactful takeaways, unless they're edible.

I resolve to use a new small kitchen appliance for about a week before putting it in the back of the cupboard and forgetting about it for years.

I resolve to change my passwords.

I resolve to write more interesting emails just in case I get hacked.

I resolve not to mess with North Korea.

I resolve not to covet my neighbour's wife.

I resolve to find that waiter in Hanmer Springs and stand by all my statements.

I resolve to thank the sponsors, to throw back the small ones, and to blow on the pie.

I resolve not to live every day as if it were my last. This is a terrible idea; if I did I'd bankrupt the family, embarrass myself thoroughly and almost certainly end up incarcerated.

If I do end up incarcerated I resolve not to breach my parole conditions.

I resolve not to say "just saying", or "iconic", or "raft of measures", or "took to Twitter" or "join the conversation". I resolve not to describe anything as a wake-up call unless it happens in a hotel.

I resolve to wake up and smell the coffee, to stop and smell the roses. I resolve neither to count my chickens, nor to put my eggs in one basket. I resolve not to cry over spilt milk. I resolve to know which side my bed is buttered on. I resolve to get out of the kitchen altogether if the heat is becoming a bit much.

I resolve to read The Luminaries.

I resolve to have told you so.

I resolve to choose life, choose a job, choose a career, choose a family, choose a f***ing big television. I resolve not to use asterisks in swear words.

I resolve to be fitter, happier, more productive. Comfortable. Not drinking too much. Regular exercise at the gym (three days a week). Getting on better with my associate employee contemporaries.

I resolve to be harder, better, faster, stronger.

I resolve to find some more up-to-date popular culture reference points.

I resolve to be up all night to get lucky.

I resolve never to text the Prime Minister. At least not proactively.

I resolve to routinely split my infinitives. To mix metaphors and drinks.

I resolve to go and watch Auckland City FC play at their home ground in Sandringham. I resolve not to stop thinking about tomorrow.

I resolve to engage in heated discussions about whether or not to ban fireworks in early February and heated discussions about the Treaty, identity and the idea of a national day in early November.

Just to mix it up a bit.

I resolve to be a grammar Nazi.

I resolve to stop describing relatively trivial things as "Nazi".

I resolve to provide a voice for Kiwis up and down the country who aren't really very hardworking.

I resolve not to throw stones when in a glass house or a busy airport.

I resolve not to let the bed bugs bite, or at least to try. In the unlikely event that I should encounter one, I resolve not to look a gifthorse in the eye. I resolve not to burn bridges before we come to them.

I resolve to resist the absurd idea that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or that where there's a will there's a way. Or that everything happens for a reason.

If I should lead a horse to water I resolve to make it drink.

I resolve to regale the youngsters with hoary tales of how we once struggled at the start of a new year to remember to get the date right on cheques.

I resolve to come up with a cutting and clever rejoinder to someone's harsh remark a few minutes after I've left the scene.

I resolve to play to the whistle and to keep my eye on the ball, which I resolve to pass and not kick.

I resolve to walk a mile in another man's shoes, as long as they're a reasonable fit, to find an earworm to replace Let It Go, and to be irrationally curious about what media overseas say about something from New Zealand.

I resolve to observe things aren't what they used to be. I resolve to regress. I resolve to evolve. I resolve to re-resolve. I resolve not to stop thinking about tomorrow. I resolve to age.

I resolve to finish painting the fence.

I resolve to merge like a zip, to reduce speed now, and not to give way to the right like I used to.

I resolve to keep New Zealand beautiful, to put down the seat, not to use my back like a crane, and to keep cool till after school.

I resolve to stop overestimating things by a factor of 10.

Have a happy new year.