Toby Manhire: Party leaders' big speeches, uncut edition

James Shaw would just like to take this opportunity to say the Greens had all those ideas before Labour took them mainstream. Photo / Mark Mitchell.

Opinion

With less than a month until we get down to the serious democratic business of Winston Peters deciding who will be the next government, the only things being written more often than party leaders' political obituaries are party leaders' campaign launch speeches.

Last week it was Jacinda Ardern holding mass at the Auckland Town Hall; this weekend it's Bill English's turn out west. The Greens seem to be relaunching their campaign every second day.

A lot of work goes into these launch addresses, as they go through draft after draft. Thanks to proprietary algorithmic technology and magic, however, we can reverse engineer those speeches back to their raw states. Here are the first drafts.

Bill English, National Party

Some of you will recall we promised a brighter future. Well we're there. This is it. It simply doesn't get any brighter. The economy is good. The housing market is fixed. Everyone is just generally fine. Let's done this.

Our job now is to keep the brightness going, by delivering for New Zealand a regular supply of incandescent light bulbs and massive great roads to get them around the country.

Roads. Incredible things. Very strong and very stable. And it is absolutely crucial that we have the strength to be straight with people and not just tell them what they want to hear.

The ability to get the job done. That is what leadership means to me. And it is that leadership that I, Theresa May, offer. Strong and stable leadership to guide Britain through the years ahead.

In conclusion, we believe in evidence. And the evidence shows that the Labour Party suddenly aren't useless any more. The evidence also shows that the focus groups don't like dangerous kids, so we're doing boot camps and curfews. Relentlessly punitive. Also roads.

Jacinda Ardern, Labour Party

Kia ora, Glastonbury! Yeah, let's do this. Let's do this. Let's do this.

Yeah, I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.

Yeah, so I want to be completely clear about this. There will be some policies that go back on the table, but we've had a flood of donations, and we've invested in a really big table. We'll be appointing a working group, and they'll make their way through all the issues and we'll basically just leave it to them, because they'll be experts, and they'll have this huge table to sit around, let's do this.

Yeah, I'm relentlessly positive. I'm really excited about the weeks ahead, and using that relentless positivity to eviscerate more enemies. If anyone has a go at me, what I'll do is I'll reply by saying something incredibly generous and charming, thereby baffling and disarming them completely and I'll look on empathetically as they slide inexorably into political inferno. Let's do this.

Winston Peters, NZ First

With the greatest of respect none of these people has the slightest idea about the truth of the matter, and the truth of the matter is that New Zealand First is fully apprised of the gruesome details that will bring down the government in due course, and I'll tell you why, because if you think you can put this Johnny-come-lately skulduggery past the New Zealand people you've got another think coming, sunshine. That's right.

Green co-leaders James Shaw and James Shaw

James Shaw: Hi I'm James. And I'm delighted at this relaunch of the revamp of the reset of the campaign to announce a new deputy leader, James Shaw.

James Shaw: Thanks, James, couldn't be more excited to be alongside you today.

James Shaw: I just want to take this opportunity to say sorry, not that we're sorry, but also to acknowledge that what happened with Metiria was definitely a mistake, although not in any way a mistake.

James Shaw: Kia ora, James. I just want to add one point to that.

James Shaw: Go ahead, James.

James Shaw: I just want to take this opportunity to say that we had all those ideas before Labour took them mainstream.

James Shaw: It's true. We're the Velvet Underground of political parties.

James Shaw: And even though they were all our ideas and honestly would it kill them to show us just the tiniest bit of love, I just want to take this opportunity to say we're not bitter.

James Shaw: Maybe a little resentfully positive.

James Shaw: Thanks James.

Marama Fox, the Māori Party

Lots of buses. Red buses, blue buses, green buses, school buses, so many buses. We also have a bus and it's got a few dings, but still runs okay as far as buses go, get on the bus.

Gareth Morgan, The Opportunities Party

The Opportunities Party is completely focused on presenting a thoroughly researched, empirically grounded policy platform to New Zealand voters or as I call them blithering idiots. What is wrong with these morons? I understand everything in the world except why it is full of imbeciles. Vote Top, imbeciles!

I'm sick of these idiots, I'm sick of the focus on personality instead of policy. New Zealand needs fewer personalities and more policy-focused megalomaniac millionaires. Only the feeblest snowflakes have a problem with this "lipstick on a pig" thing and Labour leader Laura Dern. It's a saying, right? Like "polishing a turd", except believe me that's a fiddly business. It's like the saying "putting a silk waistcoat on a cat before mercilessly executing it." Okay? You're an idiot. So are you. And you over there, that's the most idiotic face I've ever seen in my life, idiot.

In conclusion, we believe in evidence. And the evidence is that Donald Trump won the election in America by ranting and raging at the establishment and launching into unhinged tirades on the internet. Drain the swamp, idiot.

Peter Dunne, United Future

All I'm saying is that if there did happen to be a groundswell, an uprising if you will, demanding the Honorable Peter Dunne return to save the great nation of New Zealand, then he would certainly be willing to consider ironing his cape and...

David Seymour, ACT Party

I wrote a book.