Toby Manhire: Donald Trump's top tips for Kiwis

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump fires up the crowds at a campaign rally. Photo / Getty Images

The greatest president of all time gives some top Kiwis a bit of advice.

On The Apprentice he was a star, but when it comes to the most epic, time-honoured reality television pageant of all, the US electoral race, Donald Trump is intergalactically spectacular.

The camera loves him. Devotees and haters can't switch away. Whether it's charisma or skin-tone, the guy just glows.

Here in New Zealand we're watching, too, as slack-jawed as anyone. An informal search has begun to find "New Zealand's Donald Trump", with names mentioned in public already including Winston Peters, Sir Bob Jones, John Key, Gareth Morgan, Peter Dunne (a shameful slur on his superior hair) and, most puzzlingly, Phil Twyford. Such an exercise is fun but futile - of course, no one can ever come close to the Donald.

Sadly, it is unlikely Mr Trump is as fascinated by us as we are by him. He last visited New Zealand in 1993, in a failed attempt to lobby for a new casino.

But what might he make of our great and our good were he to pop over today? In the cause of further futility, let us pause to ask: what advice might he have for prominent New Zealanders?

Donald Trump to John Key

I'm rich. Really rich. I'm richer than you, President Key. When I'm president I'm going to be more presidential than you. You think Wall Street money is something to be proud of? You think the TPP is going to help you?

Let me tell you something, Little John: free trade is great when people are smart, but as a matter of fact people are stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And by the way I love stupid people, believe me, I employ thousands of them in my hotels.

You know, I'm the best golfer in the world and I win when I play, if you know what I mean. Let me look at your hands, will you?

To Andrew Little

People are smart. People can see you're a loser, a lightweight, a little guy, a low-energy unit. Hi-ai-ai-aee!

To Winston Peters

You talk a lot, but where's the action? You're a politician, believe me, that's your problem. Donald Trump is the greatest, you better believe me. I'm an American, by the way, 100 per cent, but I like your face. You look Mexican, are you Mexican? Or maybe Chinese? Let me tell you something, I love the Mexican people, I love their spirit. I think they're really wonderful.

To Metiria Turei

Who do you think you are? The Pope? No clue. Loser.

To David Seymour

Loser.

To Bill English

Listen, Bill, and by the way I like your face, but you got to pay people. You have to read The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump. It's all there. Believe me. But what is it with New Zealand and not paying people? Your cow company, Fonterra or whatever, they don't pay people, you don't pay people, haiaiai. Bizhbizhbizh. Come on, I love people. I employ a lot of people in my hotels.

To Judith Collins

Crusher? Okay. Okay. I like that, that's strong, not weak, and you got to be strong, but you got to know who you're dealing with. Donald Trump could out-crush you every day of the week. Every. Day. Of. The. Week.

To Todd Barclay

Kid, you're a jackass. Stupid. I don't know much about what's going on down there in Clutha-Southpaw or whatever, but believe me, Little Todd, where there's smoke there's fire. And you're fired. Get out.

To John Palino

You want to be mayor? Get a wall. Right now. Everyone wants to come to Auckland, they're all mermermer, wahwahwah, right, and you got to stop them coming in here. They're laughing at you, they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists. I have to tell you, you got to build a wall at the Bombay Hills. And who's going to pay for it? Hamilton.

To Richie McCaw

Loser. Wait, I like your face.

To Lorde

A tiger on a gold leash? Sure, I got a whole bunch of them. Donald Trump has always been very, very successful.

To Bob Jones

Lightweight.

To Eleanor Catton

I wrote a book. The Art of the Deal. Do you have it? It's a great book, a wonderful book, everyone says so, you better believe me, the biggest selling business book ever. Ev-er. Do you have it?

To the Deka sign, Huntly

I get along with everybody, I really do.

To the Ohakune carrot

You're looking at the greatest president of all time, Donald John Trump.

To the Wellington bucket fountain

I love buckets, I really do. I think they're wonderful.

Debate on this article is now closed.