Toby Manhire: A Welcome to Newzild tourist guide

Visitors should acquaint themselves with local customs like the national dish, fish and chips, the Tui catch in cricket, and the Prime Minister's extra responsibilities as captain of the All Blacks. Photos / NZME., Christine Cornege, Chris Loufte

About this time last year I generously put together a compendium of advice for international visitors. The reader response was truly something, ranging from thrilled astonishment ("WTF is this!?") and philosophical introspection ("Well, that's three minutes of my life I won't get back") to concern that I am being satisfactorily rewarded ("Were you paid to write this???")

Encouraged by such sun-kissed adulation, I have attempted a kind of sequel: further insider guidance for visitors to New Zealand - or Little Australia, as we like to call our homeland - in 2015.

Followers of the news will know that New Zealand has recently introduced a testing regime for tourists. Upon arrival at international terminals, visitors will be required to answer a range of basic safety questions including which side of the road New Zealand motorists travel, permissible proximity to moa lanes, and how to authentically mispronounce "Taupo".

Successful participants will receive a proactive text from the Prime Minister, John Key, welcoming them to the country (this service may not be available during the Rugby World Cup when Mr Key will be diverted by his responsibilities as All Black captain).

A further examination is required upon departure, with officials requiring outgoing passengers to satisfy officials that they genuinely thought New Zealanders to be very nice people, that they are not convicted killers on leave from prison, and to decipher three sentences delivered by Steve Hansen. The best answer will have their passport photo appear on the new New Zealand flag; the visitor responsible for the worst guess will be appointed leader of the Labour Party.

Observant visitors will soon notice the importance of the number three in New Zealand life and culture. Historians believe this originates in the geographic composition of three islands: North, South and Kevin. Upon birth, every Kiwi is gifted three calves by the state, which are kept at local dairies on street corners throughout the country. If you've time when visiting a dairy, offer to take your milk "straight from the udder".

But where were we? Threes. See also the obsession with cinematic trilogies, three-yearly elections, the North Island trinity (Paeroa L&P bottle, Huntly Deka sign, Ohakune carrot), the customary affirmation "yeah, nah, yeah", and the deeply spiritual ceremonial three-way handshake. If you are travelling in a couple, always extend your hands entwined with one another as a greeting. This small gesture will not go unnoticed.

While travelling around the country, encourage the townsfolk by telling them that in some ways they're as good as Aucklanders. Show your local knowledge by asking for the Winston Peters discount on the Interisland ferries and in Chinese takeaways on Dominion Rd. Demand to use the Gerry-door if you're running late for a domestic flight. Never approach in the wild a taniwha or an internet mogul, and remember selfies are illegal unless they include the Prime Minister.

Rugby union is the national sport in New Zealand, and this year excitement is building towards the World Cup in Britain. The John Key All Blacks have never won the tournament abroad, and so anxiety is inevitable. If you engage a New Zealander on the subject, express your confidence in the team by performing a crucial moment from the rousing Kapa o Pango haka, drawing your fingers across your neck and emitting a choking noise. This small gesture will not go unnoticed.

Rugby is a seasonal sport, however, played for only about 11 and a half months in the year. Around now you might get a chance to enjoy instead some "cricket", a fast-evolving sporting contest which centres on spectators standing on banks in orange T-shirts hoping to catch a ball hit by a "batsman" in their direction to win a prize.

The national cuisine is fish and chips. Remove your gumboot and place it on the counter to be filled. Be sure to ask for the Maui dolphin fritter. Cafes dotted up and down the country specialise in regional cuisine; order the famous Melbourne Flat White, Perth Pavlova or Wollongong Lamington.

The arts and culture are thriving in New Zealand, too, principally in the form of craft beer and the facial hair of the mighty All Blacks. Film-lovers can look forward to the upcoming 333-part adaptation of John Key's hard-hitting contemporary social satire, The Luminaries.

While you wait, catch up on national cinematic classics such as The Price of Milk, a biopic about beloved rock star Bill English, Utu, the poignant account of plucky everyman Aaron Gilmore, Goodbye Pork Pie, a cautionary tale about the perils of failing to blow on hot pastry-based food, and Taika Waititi's Wellington thrillers What Jason Does in the Shadows and Whale Versus Rawshark.

Fans of indie music should travel to the south of the South Island, home of the famous "Milford Sound".

The size of Little Australia means media talent is limited, and almost all material is delivered via either Paul Henry or Mike Hosking. Do not be surprised if one of these gentlemen approaches you while you are relaxing in a holiday hotspot or in the middle of love-making and begins to give you their thoughts on the way things are these days.

If you get a chance, try to solve one of the great prevailing mysteries of New Zealand life. Who committed the Crewe murders? Whatever happened with Colin Craig and his press secretary? And why in the name of God does ANZ think it's a good idea to run advertisements in which its brand is personified as an Australian pretending to be an American staring over the shoulder of people in airport lounges and offering creepy unsolicited advice?

The New Zealand police can be identified by their blue uniforms, slightly too-short trousers and funky retro haircuts. All officers are former All Blacks or extras from the acclaimed Lord of the Rings films. Try howling "One ring to rule them all" at them, or asking for a quick scrummage practice, but don't forget first to demonstrate you respect the police ("the P") by invoking the popular idiomatic catchcry, "I love the P!" This small gesture will not go unnoticed.

Happy travels.