The Sex Files: 10 rules for midlife sex

As we get age, our libidos may wane - but here's how to have the best sex of your life. Photo / 123RF

Warning: This article contains sexually explicit content intended for an adult audience.

Midlife sex is a topic people never talk about. It's assumed that once you reach a certain age, sex is just going to be an occasional experience for you, not part of your regular routine.

As we get older, our libidos may wane but some of the best sex of our lives can actually be over 40. Here's how.

1. Know your body

When you're younger, you constantly compare your body to others. You learn slowly what you like and dislike, but it takes time for your confidence to build about your sexual capability.

By midlife, you should know your body inside and out, and be comfortable in it. Insecurities are something you can accept, they shouldn't be holding you back from your sexual journey after 40.

2. Make a schedule

Look, we all know life is busy. Everybody has Busy Syndrome. Work, kids, social commitments, chores... they are no excuse not to have sex. Like everything else in your life, you might need to schedule sex into your week.

Think of it like the gym: figure out how regularly you want to go, then literally write down in your diary the days you can realistically follow through.

3. Exercise

Exercising for the aesthetic body benefits is no doubt helpful in staying interested in sex. However, exercise for the mental health benefits is equally as important. Working out gives you endorphins.

Endorphins make you feel good. When you feel good, your mood is improved. When you're in a good mood, more often than not, you're more likely to feel sexual.

4. Kiss every day

Kissing and being touchy-feely, or as I like to call it – canoodling – is important in midlife. It can be the catalyst for sex, but even if it's not, it allows for ongoing daily intimacy. It keeps you interested in and connected to your partner, and vice versa.

A long kiss each day (say more than 10 seconds) is simple and effective in helping turn up the volume in your middle-age sex life.

5. Stock up on lubricant

Whoever told us that humans are self-lubricating clearly wasn't over 40 (or 30, even). Lubricant is vital in midlife sex, and you should have some on hand all the time. For both sexes, but particularly women, dryness can result in a pain and an unpleasurable sexual experience. Understand that it's not just normal to need lube – it's expected.

6. Change your definition of good sex

You have less energy now than you did when you were 25. That's ok. What you considered "mind-blowing" sex back then probably won't translate to your older self. This is why you need to change your own personal definition of what constitutes good sex. Is it long and passionate? Quiet and respectful? Kinky and new? It's up to you, just don't expect the same sexual dynamics you used to have.

7. Leave your house

Sex in hotels is better for many reasons, least not because it's a change of scenery.

If you've been living with your partner for years – or decades – the familiarity of home can wreak havoc on your sex life. When you look around your house, all you see is either comfort (your bed, couch, favourite spots to sit) or obligations (laundry to do, floors to clean, children and animals to feed).

None of this is conducive to sex because sex and familiarity don't really align. For that reason, get out of the house more often for sex. Hotels are perfect, on holiday is great, and don't forget about sex in public if you're game.

8. Go online

If you're single in middle age, the internet is your best friend. You'll have a hard time meeting people in bars for a sexual connection; especially in New Zealand, where rocking up to someone with a martini for a chat isn't culturally the "done thing".

Whether it's using geo-locating apps like Tinder or the more old-school dating websites, putting yourself online is how you'll find a new pool of fish to swim with.

9. Go to counselling

If you're in a long-term relationship and have never had couples therapy, I urge you to. Even if you think nothing is wrong. A counsellor who specialises in relationships will motivate wants, needs, and desires out of you as a couple.

They'll aid you understand complacency, assumed roles, and any negativity. Trust me, all of this is there. But once you know what's underlying after several years, you can work through it.

10. See your GP

Losing all interest in sex is probably owing to hormonal changes, illness, or medication. For example, many SSRI drugs – used for depression and anxiety – come with the unwanted side effect of decreased libido.

If and when your sex drive diminishes during (or in the run up to) middle age, bring it up with your GP. They will firstly check your health (and address any causes there), and will otherwise offer up potential solutions and lifestyle changes that may get you back on the horse.