KEY POINTS:
It is truly the season of many things: barbecues, melanoma awareness advertising, concert tours of beach resorts by bands you thought had broken up, and roadworks. Especially roadworks.
It seems that everywhere you attempt to drive over summer, there are hordes of people in fluorescent vests surrounded by orange cones, allegedly repairing our roads but apparently standing around doing little except making it harder for you to get where you are going. Why do we need all these people when it always looks like there is one guy operating a big machine and a dozen standing round watching? What do all these people do all day?
As it would happen, I know the answers to these questions because I know of the hidden jobs of the Roadworks Krew (with a K because that's how they roll).
For instance, looking after the many, many road cones required to create the force-field that protects the Roadworks Krew from the real world is the responsibility of the Heading-eye Cone Wrangler. His job is to keep all the cones exactly where they are using only the power of his steely stare.
All day long (except for lunch and morning and afternoon smoko), no matter what the weather (except if it rains), he will lean upon his shovel or broom, watching the cones for any sign that they are about to bolt. It is said that if you could harness the mental energy emanating from a great Heading-eye Cone Wrangler, it would be enough to power a small light bulb.
Another Roadworks Krew job that requires awesome mental powers is that of the Pie Channeller. All morning, every morning, the Pie Channeller must do nothing but cast his mind into the future and wait. He stands like a statue, reading the signs the world beyond our world is sending him. It is a solitary, contemplative job - until about 11.30am when the rest of the Roadworks Krew start looking to him for guidance.
But the Pie Channeller will say nothing until at least 11.45, sometimes as late as 11.50; not until The Great Pie has whispered the name in his ear. Only then will the Pie Channeller gather the rest of the Roadworks Krew around and intone the name of the pie.
One day he might utter the words "mince and cheese", another it might be "steak and mushroom" or even "chicken and apricot". Once the holy name has been uttered, everyone must down tools and troop off to the nearest bakery to buy said pie. It is a little-known fact that all the presenters of the hit reality-TV show Sensing Murder were Pie Channellers in a former life.
The most dangerous job on the Roadworks Krew is that of Lightning Rod. This job is usually given to one of the younger guys, someone who can run fast. The job is to stand away from the others, holding what appears to be a shovel or broom but which is, in fact, a metal rod that will attract any bolts of lightning that happen the way of the Krew, even out of a clear blue sky. If this happens, Lightning Rod must hold his broom/shovel high in the air and run quickly away from the rest of the Krew, taking the lightning with him.
Having a Lightning Rod is a necessity for a Roadworks Krew because lightning most often strikes things that don't move from the spot to which they are rooted: like buildings, trees and Roadworks Krews. You can tell which Krew member is the Lightning Rod because he's the really nervous one who looks up a lot.
One of the most spiritually important Roadworks Krew jobs is that of Feng Shui Guy. It is the task of Feng Shui Guy to ensure that the Krew is receiving as much positive Qi as humanly possible by balancing the forces of Heaven and Earth. The Feng Shui Guy achieves this by ensuring the Krew is standing round in an aesthetically pleasing way.
The Feng Shui Guy is usually the most animated member of any Roadworks Krew as, sometimes as often as three times an hour, he'll raise an arm and point for someone to take a step to the left or shuffle over a bit, just to get everything back in balance. Demanding work, which is why he always needs a trainee (or Padawan) Feng Shui Guy at his side, doing absolutely nothing, to balance things out. These are but a few of the secret inner workings of the Roadworks Krew.
Other functionaries such as the Maybe Man (he's neither Stop nor Go) and the Cricket Score Guy are too sacred for me to mention. Suffice to say it is rumoured there are even Krew members whose job it is to work on the roads. This, however, may be a myth.
