As soon as I heard it was snowing in the South Island, I got together a fact-finding delegation from the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment and we hit the road. The opportunities for business, innovation and employment were enormous and we needed to see just what it was like on the ground. But we were held up at reception by the aroma of freshly brewed coffee beans that we fly in every week from Colombia at a special price of $775,500.15, and we missed our flight.
We made another booking. It gave us time to look over our briefing papers as we sat at reception in the beautiful new upholstery which we bought for a special price of $234,660.59. The sheer comfort soon had us dozing off, and we missed our flight.
We made another booking. It gave us time to attend a seminar on personal grooming by a wardrobe consultant who ordered in new socks, underpants, pants, belts, singlets, shirts, jackets and hair straighteners for a special price of $4,000,000.99.
We landed in Queenstown and saw what the snow looked like on the ground. It looked white. We caught the next flight back.
It's snowing in the South Island-but come dine with me in Pakuranga, and that's "snow" joke! In fact it's no laughing matter! It's a tragedy! Take five strangers, get them to cook things while I contribute a relentlessly lame voice-over, put it on TV3 at 7pm as a replacement for
Campbell Live
, and watch as my career goes down the gurgler at a rate of knots! As in, "knot" funny!
But listen, Campbell Live wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs, either. Don't blame me for the show's demise. And you know what they say-when the cat's away, "demise" will play!
That one might need a bit of work. But only if we have the "thyme"!
COLIN CRAIG
Conservative Party leader Colin Craig. Photo / Mark Mitchell
Evidence from chemtrails suggest that it's snowing in the South Island, but I'm all nice and warm in this sauna with David Farrier from TV3.
Now some people might say it's an unusual venue for the leader of a major political party to give an interview, but it's important to maintain good relations with the media. It's especially important when the media hasn't called in months.
As they say, all publicity is publicity. I think that's what they say. I used to be able to check these things with my media adviser. I wonder what Rachel would have said about David Farrier wanting to interview me in a sauna?
As instructed by the Prime Minister, here I am in the regions, where it's snowing.
"I think you're outstanding in your field," he said.
"I don't know whose field it is, but I'm out standing in it," I said.
He asked, "That's terrible. Does Guy Williams write your stuff?"
I said, "No, but I wish he did. I keep putting my foot in it. I confronted Brook Sabin from 3 News this week. Look what happened to the last person who did that."
He said, "Pam Corkery has an outside chance of winning Dancing with the Stars, but you have to respect her determination.
