Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of ... the TVNZ-RNZ merger

Steve Braunias on the saga of planning the TVNZ-RNZ merger. Image / RNZ

OPINION

Willie Jackson: The way I see it is that a successful merger between TVNZ and RNZ will need the guiding hand of a media slut.

Simon Bridges: I had just filed 300 words on the meaning of life for Grocery News and was about to start work on a podcast version of my book, when Willie Jackson called.

Willie Jackson: I said to Simon, “Job going with TV and radio.”

Simon Bridges: I said, “I’m in!”

WillIe Jackson: I said, “It’s settled.”

Jacinda Ardern: Simon Bridges! Never going to happen.

Willie Jackson: This whole thing started when Kris Faafoi walked off the job and the boss called me in to her office.

Jacinda Ardern: I said to him, “Congratulations. You’re the new Minister of Broadcasting.”

Willie Jackson: I said, “But the news media suck and no one trusts a word they say and why should they because, as previously mentioned, they suck.”

Jacinda Ardern: I handed him the paperwork and told him to get on with it.

Willie Jackson: I lost the paperwork on the way to my office.

TVNZ: We have deep-seated concerns about the merger, not least the threat to our culture.

RNZ: Kia ora. Tēnā koutou katoa. Ko te reo Irirangi o Aotearoa te waka.

TVNZ: The last thing we want is culture.

Willie Jackson: Both organisations place a high value on news reporting.

TVNZ: Tonight on Seven Sharp, a singing dolphin. Photo / 123rf

TVNZ: Tonight on Seven Sharp, a singing dolphin.

RNZ: Our next guest on Morning Report is a quivering mass of jelly. Thank you for joining us, Paul Goldsmith.

Willie Jackson: Both organisations are keen to share news content.

RNZ: Private consultants working on the public media mega-merger are on contracts worth up to almost $9000 a week, and an average of almost $6000 a week.

TVNZ: Private consultants working on the public media mega-merger are on contracts worth up to almost $9000 a week, and an average of almost $6000 a week.

Jacinda Ardern: Consultants earning up to almost $9000 a week! Sounds about right.

Willie Jackson: Our handling of the merger is transparent.

Melissa Lee: As National’s broadcasting spokesperson, I asked Willie Jackson for a cost-benefit analysis of the $370 million merger of TVNZ and RNZ.

Willie Jackson: I told Melissa Lee to come see me in my office and I’d show her the paperwork.

Melissa Lee: I went to his office but he wasn’t there.

Jacinda Ardern: Transparency! Never going to happen.

Willie Jackson: I ran into Kris Faafoi.

Kris Faafoi: I said to him, “You don’t look well. How’s it going?”

Willie Jackson: I told him that the merger was a dog and no one wanted it and it was a waste of money and time.

Kris Faafoi: I said, “Do you want my advice?”

Willie Jackson: I went back to the office and added another $9000 contract to the merger budget.