The secret diary of ... the PM

Packing the right golf clubs are a holiday priority for Max and John Key. Picture / Instagram

Monday

Christmas! Who's got time for it? My phone keeps ringing, because everyone has my number.

I was in talks with Bill English today when the phone rang. I said to him, "I'm going to have to take this. It could be important."

Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't really listen to me. He laughed, and said, "Riddle me this! When is a surplus not a surplus?"

I said, "Hello?"

It was Cameron. He said, "Yo dawg sup LOL."

Bill said, "When it's not a surplus! Get it?"

I said, "What?"

Cameron shouted, "Yo dawg sup LOL."

I said, "I heard you the first time. Couldn't you have just sent that as a text?"

He said, "Don't you like it when I phone you up?"

I said, "Of course I do."

He began to cry. "You told the media that bloggers weren't a big part of your day."

Bill said, "A surplus is surplus to requirements!"

I said, "Can you put a sock in it?"

Cameron began to howl.

I said, "No, I didn't mean you!"

He said, "Say you're sorry!"

I said, "I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it."

"Okay," he whimpered, and said goodbye.

I turned to Bill.

He said, "I'll just say that it's a surplus."

I said, "What are you talking about?"

Sometimes he does actually listen to me. He laughed, and said, "I have no idea."

The phone rang.

Tuesday

The tragic events in Sydney confirm my government's resolve to maintain surveillance on suspected highly-organised terrorist death cult militant Islamic factions posing as lone gunmen.

Wednesday

Office party! Everyone was in high spirits. It's been a great year for National.

Cameron was there, of course. We hugged, and he said, "Yo dawg sup LOL." He could have just sent a text, but it was good to see him, Jason Ede, and Carrick Graham. The old gang!

Secret Santa gave me two books. Everyone cheered when I unwrapped John Key: Portrait of a Prime Minister. "Looks like a good read!", I quipped.

The room went silent when I unwrapped Madmen: Inside the Weirdest Campaign Ever.

Thursday

There's just so much reading piled up on my desk. I picked up a brochure at the top of the pile, and read, "With a sleek and striking look, CG Black irons are engineered for maximum distance and forgiveness. Their multi-material construction incorporates a thin, high-strength ti face for increased ball speed and maximum distance."

Only $11,999.99.

Then I looked at the next page of the brochure, and read, "The distance standard in irons was set in 2013 with the X Hot Irons. The new high-water mark is now owned by Callaway's X2 Hot Irons. It provides the same domination in the hitting bay, on the range, and on the course."

A bargain at $1099.99.

The piece of paper beneath that was a briefing on that cameraman who has filed papers at the High Court signalling his intention to sue me for libel. But I didn't have time for that, because I had to get prepared for a hard-hitting interview on live TV with Paul Henry. We joked a lot about his taste in jackets. LOL!

Friday

Up early to get prepared for a hard-hitting interview on live radio with Leighton Smith.

Drove home afterwards. The sun had come out in Auckland for the first time in over a week. Everyone had smiles on their faces. They were thinking about Christmas, and time with their families, and looking forward to a great New Zealand summer.

Me, too. At the end of the day there's not a lot of difference between summer in New Zealand and summer in a $5.6 million three-storey townhouse (private lift, limestone floors, waterfall and grotto) in Maui.

I packed the CG Black Irons and X2 Hot Irons - I just couldn't decide! - and set off the airport. I held Bronagh's hand. "Love you, John," she said.

A perfect moment, and then I checked my carry-on bag. God-dammit to hell! I took the wrong book.