KEY POINTS:
What you need
* A barbecue. No matter the variety - either the old, small, rusty, circular plate model with three legs, or the ridiculous $6000 multi-plate cooker with lasers, thermostats and cruise control - the hotplate should be coated with caked-on meat juice from previous feasts.
Studies by experts have shown that the "essence of meat" enhances flavour by up to eight non-specific units of taste. Frying pans can be used in an emergency (lack of grill space or no gas) but only if the frying takes place outside.
* Ideally, the barbecue should be fired up on a beach, deck, grass or a precariously slanting rooftop that catches the last of the sun. Inevitably, after it starts raining, it will be fired up in a garage or under shelter.
* At least three different animals to cook, all of which should be marinated for about three days (sausages, some of which consist of three different animals anyway, only count as one). Man cannot live on meat alone - well, not for too long, anyway - so, to promote the consumption of balanced diets, guests should be offered onions, white bread and Watties tomato sauce (no exceptions).
* One novelty apron. Perhaps a perennial favourite like "Kiss the Cook", "No 1 Dad" or "Dominatrix" with large rubber breasts and pierced nipples. Conversely, true barbecue aficionados might prefer to cook topless, letting the smoke waft upon their chests and the grease splatter upon their mid-sections.
* Either a chilly bin, or a pseudo-chilly bin. A 44-gallon drum filled with water should do nicely.
What to do
* Being fearless hunters, gatherers and providers, males tend to gravitate towards the grill, watching over the meat while drinking beer and talking about sport; whereas females tend to gossip indoors, preparing their delicious titbits and staying within arm's length of the wine stash. No one is entirely sure if these evolutionary barbecue traits are genetic or cultural - not even "scienticians" - so, in the interests of sticking religiously to ingrained stereotypes, split into same-sex groups upon arrival.
* "Frugal guests" should bring one sausage, then proceed to fill their plate with the steak, chicken, venison and fish provided by other parties. This gesture is made even more offensive if the sausage provided is vegetarian. Similar rules also apply for beer: at the start of the feast, "frugal guests" should drink the Emersons, Heineken or Monteiths. Then, when the high-quality beverages have all been consumed, begrudgingly start drinking the dusty old flagons of home-brew that you dredged up from the basement.
* At a stretch, barbecue food can be eaten inside, but this detracts from the primitive nature of the experience. Uncomfortable deck chairs are recommended, but wooden crates, logs or large rocks are also adequate. If you leave a chair to complete a task that will benefit yourself (a toilet stop), that chair is open for the taking. But if you leave your chair in order to help someone else (fetching beers), it is not allowed to be commandeered, no matter how comfortable.
* If manning the grill, be prepared for regular criticism of your tong and spatula techniques. Non-alpha males - and, occasionally, manly females - will ruthlessly exploit any weaknesses. Grillmasters are not allowed to sit down until they turn the gas off (to avoid nasty explosions always remember "lefty loosie, righty tighty").
* Although purported to be a spice by some manufacturers, chargrill is not a flavour. It's a state of mind. As a rule, the blacker the food the better the barbecue, especially when it comes to mystery meats such as sausages or patties.
* If food is dropped, the 10-second rule is to be applied. If food is on the ground for longer than 10 seconds, pets are legally entitled to it. If the item in question is back on your plate in less than 10 seconds, however, the food is safe to consume - as long as blades of grass, lethal pathogens, dog hairs or dust mites are removed with some vigorous blowing.
* Always remember that serviettes are for cheaters and/or the aristocracy. Barbecue purists understand that dirty mouths and/or faces must be wiped clean with the backs of hands and/or forearms, which are either to be licked and/or wiped on nearby furniture.
What to say
* Unashamed carnivores should wax philosophical and say: "Nowhere is the bounty of the Earth more obvious or glorious than when a selection of God's most delicious creatures are grouped together, sizzling upon thy hotplate, readying themselves for a swift journey into the gullet." Or, more concisely: "Struth Trev, look at the size of those snarlers."
* If vegetarian, continue your futile quest to ruin meat-eating appetites and say: "Legally speaking, sausages must consist of only 40 per cent meat, which means they are made up of 60 per cent pure mystery."
* If selectatarian - otherwise known as a selective vegetarian - say: "No, honestly, fish aren't animals." Zealots should lament rampant consumerism by saying: "The evolution of the barbecue is indicative of the scourge of affluenza afflicting the Western World. These metal monstrosities are only purchased in a vain attempt to enhance social status through the acquisition of material possessions."
* While cracking open beer number 12, criticise New Zealand's binge drinking culture and slur: "The problem is not what we're drinking, it's who we're drinking with." Proceed to shake beer bottle vigorously, spray over guests, turn stereo up and yell loudly at the neighbours, before falling asleep in the Ambrosia later in the evening.
- OTAGO DAILY TIMES