That Guy: Stick to routine to be sure of success in the sack

Flog your best moves. Photo / Supplied

Opinion

After last week's column I was inundated with orders for my Karma Sutra-style tape series which features me demonstrating a raft of different sexual positions and techniques.

The bad news is that we have sold out of that series; the good news is that a new and improved DVD series is now available - and this will feature a partner as well.

So it's a two-for-the-price-of- one kind of deal.

Critics are already praising the new one, saying my performance is less one-dimensional and far less self-indulgent.

Let's face it, at the end of the day it is hard to make a one-person sex tape without it being a little self-indulgent. I make no apologies for this.

As a performer I give it 100 per cent every time I perform, regardless of whether I am with a partner or not.

The new series features 165 different positions in all and in the bonus feature section there are deleted scenes, a stretching routine and a bloopers showreel.

In this new series I demonstrate correct procedures with various partners, but most importantly we let you know how long you should spend on each position, procedure or gimmick.

There is an old saying that when making love, and it certainly applies when using love-making videos, "there is no use flogging a dead horse".

In other words, some procedures - especially where females are concerned - are purely time-fillers and in many cases you should cover the move purely to demonstrate that you do, in fact, know it, then quickly move on to one of what we call your "power play" moves.

What is a power play move? Simply put, it is a procedure you think you might be particularly good at as it has worked for you in the past.

The idea is to identify what these moves are and then flog the hell out of them.

Another old saying from the Karma Sutra goes, "Keep it simple, stupid."

In other words, just because you will know 165 different procedures by the time you have watched the DVD a few times, it doesn't mean you have to use all of them all of the time.

Quite frankly, under stopwatch conditions some of the best porn stars were unable to perform, so what chance do you have?

The key is to identify some moves that work for your partner but, most importantly, work for you and then combine them into a simple routine.

The last thing you want to do is to have to rely on cue-cards or have things written on the palm of your hands so that you can remember what to do next.

Many other so-called experts will say that you should just go with the flow and do what comes naturally to you. But this is complete nonsense.

Imagine if every player in the All Black backline just did whatever move came to them at any particular time, as opposed to sticking to the pre-rehearsed moves they practised all week.

It would be carnage, a real Keystone Cops performance, and the person you are attempting to make love to may not be as forgiving as the All Black selectors have been in recent years.

This is bedroom action, not test rugby, and frankly you are unlikely to get a second shot at it - you don't want to be yet another one-night stand.

If you are interested in this DVD package, send the editor $95 and a one-page essay about why this DVD is ideal for you.

Once $30 is in his account , and $65 is in mine, we will send you the DVD case. Two weeks later you will get the DVD itself.