Narcissism is characterised by a grandiose sense of self-importance - and a lack of empathy. Herald Illustration / Richard Dale
Narcissism is characterised by a grandiose sense of self-importance - and a lack of empathy. Herald Illustration / Richard Dale
Just a fraction of our population would meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
A Victoria University professor of psychology says healthy self-esteem can be mistaken for narcissism.
Narcissists can be arrogant, jealous, entitled, lack empathy and crave attention.
They are less likely to recognise these traits in themselves than non-narcissists.
Suspect you’re a little narcissistic? A psychology researcher explains the difference between having healthy self-esteem and ticking all the boxes for the infamous personality disorder.
You share lots of selfies and don’t mind telling people about how important your job is, how well your kids are doing or where youholidayed over summer.
For those worried they might qualify, Victoria University professor of psychology Marc Wilson offers one comforting point: a narcissist typically wouldn’t confront themselves with such a question.
“Narcissists often don’t realise they’re narcissists unless someone else points it out – and even then, they’re likely to resist the characterisation.”
A narcissist knows they’re important, special and that everyone should recognise their greatness; if someone disagrees with them, they’re not the ones in the wrong.
“Narcissists don’t handle criticism well and they tend to handle problems by not handling them.”
As much as we might think we’re surrounded by narcissists in 2025, only about one person in 50 would tick all the right boxes to meet the clinician’s definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
“Narcissism also isn’t a personality ‘type’ but rather a continuum of characteristics that are roughly normally distributed in the population,” Wilson adds.
“Some of us have very little, some of us have a lot, but most of us are in the lump in the middle.
“If you look at yourself in the bathroom mirror, that’s pretty normal – but if you stop to check yourself out in the window of a Starbucks, you’re probably heading up there.”
In one study, researchers observed people doing just that, before studying them – and finding the self-checkers were indeed more narcissistic.
Those fitting the criteria are also likely to display classic traits like being arrogant, jealous, entitled, lacking empathy and craving attention.
They enjoy playing games, exploiting others and, like the mythological Narcissus who fatally fell in love with his own reflection, they have a grand view of themselves.
“You may be a narcissist if you get frustrated others don’t appreciate you for the obviously superior person you believe you are.”
This is the “overt” or “grandiose” narcissist that most of us are familiar with.
The other category psychologists like Wilson speak of is the “vulnerable” narcissist: that person who’s self-conscious, sensitive to rejection and claims suffering to get attention.
Just a fraction of our population – maybe one in 50 - would tick all the right boxes to meet the clinician’s definition of narcissistic personality disorder. Photo / Vince Fleming, Unsplash
Where does that leave those of us who share a little too much about ourselves on social media, or have no problem tapping the boss for a pay rise or promotion?
Wilson says it’s important not to conflate self-esteem with narcissism.
“We know that people who have positive self-esteem feel valuable and worthwhile, so maybe narcissism is just like self-esteem on steroids.
“Actually, no. Self-esteem doesn’t move in lockstep with narcissism.”
Wilson points out that narcissistic self-esteem is often fragile: yes, a narcissist might think they’re special, but they can also worry that they’re not – and are more likely to lash out when their value is doubted.
He offers some other questions for people to ask themselves.
“What’s the balance in how much time you spend thinking about yourself, versus thinking about others?
“Do you need people to frequently tell you how great you’re doing, and do you sulk if that doesn’t happen?”
He stresses that these aren’t diagnostic questions, but says that, statistically, the more of these things people notice about themselves, the higher they’d likely score on a measure of narcissism.
As for what it is that makes for narcissism, Wilson says it’s like almost everything else: a mix of genetics and environment.
“If you have a super self-involved family member, you’re more likely to be super self-involved.”
Is narcissism on the rise?
Intriguingly, there’s also evidence to suggest narcissism is sensitive to societal context.
Measured levels of societal narcissism began climbing from the 1980s, before dropping with the Covid-19 pandemic and global economic downturn.
“Why? It’s speculated things like great depressions ‘protect’ against the kind of individualism that goes along with narcissism.”
Whether international insights can be applied directly to New Zealand, with its long-standing tall-poppy syndrome, isn’t so clear.
But there are some signs that old-fashioned Kiwi humility remains intact.
US therapist Dr Drew Pinsky may have famously shown reality TV stars score highest for narcissism, but previous work by researcher Samantha Stronge here showed no such correlation among Kiwi aspirants.
Her University of Auckland studies have also suggested just one in 10 Kiwis hold traits that could be considered narcissistic, with nearly 40% of those surveyed showing healthy levels of self-esteem and low levels of entitlement.
Of course, there’s also much debate about whether the age of Instagram and TikTok is driving more narcissism – and US psychologist Dr Jean Twenge has gone as far as dubbing it an epidemic.
“After all, you can curate a perfect version of your life to make other people jealous of you,” he says.
“Research has suggested that narcissists have more ‘friends’ attached to their profiles – and they also tend to be quite picky about who they ‘friend’ so that they continue to look good.”
Some studies also indicate that narcissism changes as we age.
“We’re most self-involved when we’re 19 or 20, and that decreases as we get older. Some of this reflects experience – learning that we’re not bulletproof.
“At the same time, this is a shift in your baseline narcissism – if you’re a highly narcissistic 20-year-old, you’ll be less narcissistic when you’re 80, but you’ll still be more narcissistic than most of the people around you.”
Victoria University psychology researcher Professor Marc Wilson. Photo / NZME
Can narcissists help themselves?
For those who seek out treatment – either because they want to address their own unhappiness or have simply been told to by others – the bad news is there aren’t specific therapies.
“But there are some medications that may ameliorate some narcissistic traits, and talk therapies can be effective in reducing the impact that these traits have on a person’s life,” Wilson says.
“For example, targets in therapy might be practising seeing things from other people’s positions, ways to cope adaptively when things aren’t going the way you want, or shifting from seeking validation to feeling gratitude.”
At the same time, progress can be slow: NPD isn’t a mental health diagnosis in the way that schizophrenia or depression are, and our personalities are “pretty bedrock” in who we are.
For those of us with a suspected narcissist in our lives who is tough to avoid, Wilson recommends setting boundaries, practising self-care and ensuring we’ve got plenty of social support.
“You may need others to be a sounding board to make sure you’re not being gaslit,” he says.
“I wouldn’t bother arguing too much or trying to prove a narcissist wrong – they may become even more convinced they’re right.”
Jamie Morton is a specialist in science and environmental reporting. He joined the Herald in 2011 and writes about everything from conservation and climate change to natural hazards and new technology.
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