Surviving war-zone and domestic abuse

Mira Grubor, who survived war in the Balkans, says she has only recently stopped having nightmares about the domestic abuse she faced. Photo / Sarah Ivey

Auckland policewoman Mira Grubor knows the horror of domestic violence first-hand.

Her husband began drinking and abusing her during the Bosnian War - fronting up at court with a gun during the divorce hearing.

She then escaped war-torn Serbia in 2000, coming to New Zealand to find a better life for her daughter Jelena, now 19.

"It was like a blessing, I love my life here," she said.

Ms Grubor, 43, now draws on her personal experience working as a constable in the Auckland police family safety team.

At a forum in Three Kings this week, refugees and migrants affected by domestic violence came together with police, community groups and other government agencies to share their pain and look for solutions.

The meeting signalled the start of a more collaborative approach to domestic violence in Auckland's 181 ethnic communities, helping victims at the ground level before it was too late.

Team leader Sergeant Pat Waters said Ms Grubor played a key role at the forum and women opened up to her as one of them.

"She knows what they are going through and quite openly says that if she had entered into a domestic violence relationship in New Zealand she wouldn't have come to the police because of the experiences she had in her own country," he said.

Said Ms Grubor: "The most important thing for all of us here is that we do change people's lives. It's having that empathy and passion about domestic violence and helping out."

She said looking back on the war "as if it were a movie" was the only way to cope.

On August 6, 1995, she ran for her life as bombs dropped around her. After pounding through the back streets of Knin in Croatia, the then 29-year-old swam two rivers before reaching a United Nations camp.

"I could have been killed on the spot," she said.

"But you don't pay any attention to the blood or anything. I believe that is the moment when the human brain switches off, in order to protect itself."

She ran through "a rain of [bomb] shells" after 24 hours under fire at the Knin hospital where she worked as a micro-biology technician, helping move wounded soldiers to the UN camp.

When Croatian troops swooped she escaped from the hospital bunker.

Ms Grubor said she was "very proud" all 35 wounded men survived - her bravery later recognised with the "Best Human Deed" national award.

Ms Grubor had to also live through violence at home. When war broke out in 1990 and her husband grew more and more violent and possessive, she sent baby Jelena to stay with relatives. Ms Grubor said her husband hated her being near other men and checked on her frequently every day.

It was psychological as well as physical.

"At first you can't perceive it, but then you almost think of it as normal. Most women are like, 'Oh, I will give him another chance and wait till he does something really big and stupid before leaving'," she said.

She reported her husband to police and they laughed it off.

Mr Waters said about half of the family safety team's caseload involved migrants.

"We got involved because a number of cases we come across are at the high-risk stage, not being reported at the low end," he said.

"The victim has no choice but to report it because she fears for her life."

Ms Grubor said her nightmares had only recently stopped and it had taken a long time to trust again.

"It's that lack of faith in anyone, anything ... even your close friends. You are at the lowest point you can be and lose all respect for anything."

But now she was "home".