Stressed children talk to the dead

Family and home issues ranged from adults fighting and problems with siblings to moving house and the death of a pet. Photo / Supplied

Stressed children often talk to dead relatives and pets as a way of dealing with their problems.

"If a pet means a lot to you, it's very sad when they die," one child told researchers investigating what factors caused stress for New Zealand children aged between 8 and 12.

"Sometimes if you've got no one to talk to you can go and talk to your pet animal. Even though they don't reply you can kind of get rid of your worries."

The study, by Auckland University School of Population Health researcher Fiona Pienaar, identified 29 common stresses for children - most of which came from school and family life.

School stresses include bullying or knowing of a child being bullied, anxiety over school work, having teachers who were stressed and unavailable to help, and homework - either not being able to do it or trying to fit it in with other things.

Family and home issues ranged from adults fighting and problems with siblings to moving house and the death of a pet.

Of the 13 family stresses, nine were linked to parents. Four were related to parental stress and conflict.

"One of the most commonly identified stresses for children in this study was the strain of living with parents who are themselves stressed," said Ms Pienaar.

One child told researchers: "Watching your parents be stressed is quite awful; it makes your heart go down."

Ms Pienaar found children often put their own feelings aside because of worries about stressed parents.

"When my parents are stressed at times I sort of get anxious and it makes me a bit worried," said one child.

"I sort of get a bit worried about their stress. I sort of have to put my needs back."

Children also try to take on protector and caregiver roles.

"When dad is late getting home mum starts to worry and she gets pretty stressed and I say 'mum he is fine, he is not going to be hurt or anything, he'll be fine'.

"And she is sitting there helplessly and I'll be sitting there with her because people can die over stress attacks and I don't want her to leave."

Ms Pienaar said children were aware of the signs that all was not well in their parents' relationships, but were not always able to tell the difference between minor problems and major dysfunction, resulting in them become concerned that separation was always imminent.

They could also feel caught up in the conflict, not knowing which side to support or "who to choose" if parents separated.

Children who were stressed because they couldn't talk to their parents said it was because they were worried about they way their parent would react, because they were perceived to be too busy and because they weren't in the "right mood".

Not being listened to was a strong theme that emerged.

"I don't really tell people that I'm stressed because my parents don't usually listen to me 'cause they've got better things to do."

STRESS FACTORS

* When parents are stressed or adults are fighting
* Parents separating/divorcing or worrying they will
* Not being able to talk to parents/family
* Not enough time with parents and not being listened to by them
* Parents expecting too much
* Problems with siblings and parents treating siblings differently
* Death of family members and pets
* Moving house