Steve Braunias: The Secret Screenplay of ... The Covid Caper

The scene is set: security guards at the Hotel Novotel in Ellerslie. Photo / Dean Purcell

FADE IN:

INTERIOR – A BUSTLING HOTEL

Two women, one in her 30s and the other in her 40s, check out of the Hotel Novotel in Ellerslie, Auckland. They walk through reception. Other guests are shaking hands and hugging. Phones ring but no one answers. A security guard in a high-vis jacket is asleep on a chair at the front door. Yellow and black Covid-19 barricade tape, tied to a chair leg, flutters in the wind. Two guests huddle in the doorway, smoking. It's raining. The women head to the car park and climb into a yellow Mini.

YOUNGER WOMAN

We're taking this bloody car all the way to Wellington!

INTERIOR - AN OFFICE

Men in shirts and ties are stamping papers at great speed. Two staff joke at a water cooler. Others are playing cards in the tearoom. On the walls, framed photographs of Dr Ashley Bloomfield and Jacinda Ardern. A sign reads MINISTRY OF HEALTH. Close-up on a desk where the papers are being stamped. We see a page with photographs of the two women. A hand stamps the paper with the words COMPASSIONATE LEAVE.

EXTERIOR – TRAFFIC

Rush-hour traffic in Auckland. It's raining. Close-up of motorists sitting glumly at traffic lights and listening to Mike Hosking arguing with Jacinda Ardern on Newstalk ZB. "It's all under control!" she shouts. The yellow Mini approaches a roundabout. It goes around it. It goes around it, again, in a loop. And again, and again.

OLDER WOMAN

Um…

YOUNGER WOMAN

Can't you see I'm not well? [Sneezes]

EXTERIOR – TRAFFIC

The women pull over and phone for help. A friend arrives and points to a motorway sign saying in extremely big letters "THIS WAY TO WELLINGTON". The women get out of the Mini and move towards her. Camera pulls back. Passing traffic obscures whether they are hugging and kissing, or just making light contact.

EXTERIOR – CITY STREET

A thin man walks rapidly and with great purpose along Lambton Quay in Wellington. Close-up of his lanyard reveals him as Dr Ashley Bloomfield. Passersby gasp and cheer. He reaches for his phone. Close-up of a text from Jacinda Ardern. It reads, "Do you know anything about two women in mandatory isolation who were given compassionate leave to travel 643km from Auckland to Wellington?" He gulps, and walks even faster.

INTERIOR – A PUBLIC RESTROOM IN A SMALL TOWN

We see two cubicles with their doors closed. We hear sneezing. The camera pulls back to the yellow Mini parked outside. Mt Ruapehu looms in the distance. Another car parks and a woman approaches the restroom with two children.

INTERIOR – OFFICE

Two men with big smiles stand in a corridor. Close-up of their lanyards reveal them as National Party leader Todd Muller and National MP Michael Woodhouse.

WOODHOUSE

Wait till I blow the whistle about this!

MULLER

Good work, mate!

WOODHOUSE

Cheers, Tom!

MULLER

Todd. It's Todd.

Chris Bishop walks past.

INTERIOR – OFFICE

Jacinda Ardern sits behind her desk with her head in her hands. Dr Ashley Bloomfield sits in front of her desk with his head in his hands. No one speaks.

Camera pulls back to the window, and a quick edit picks up a drone camera looking back at the Beehive, then over to Tinakori Hill, sweeping around to Wellington Harbour. Camera takes us lower towards the street. We see the yellow Mini going round and round a roundabout in an endless loop. A long line of military vehicles approaches the Beehive. It's raining.

FADE OUT