Steve Braunias: The secret memoir of Judith Collins

Judith Collins entered politics because her country needed her. Photo / Mark Mitchell

COMMENT

PREFACE

Thank you for reading my memoir. It is written in an easy and conversational style as I am sure you will agree. It is called Pull No Punches. That is because I wrote it with my own two fists.

CHAPTER ONE

My parents voted Labour. I learned the error of their ways.

CHAPTER TWO

I became a partner in a law firm at the age of 27 and bought two restaurants. One day I was cleaning the sink when I came across something slithering up out of the drains.

"Hello," it said. "I'm John Key."

CHAPTER THREE

I entered politics. My country needed me.

CHAPTER FOUR

One day I was cleaning the sink when I came across something slithering up out of the drains.

"Hello," it said. "I'm Cameron Slater."

I introduced him to John Key. The two hit it off immediately.

CHAPTER FIVE

There was a successful coup against National leader Don Brash. I found it incredible that serving MPs could be so disloyal to their leader.

CHAPTER SIX

National won the election. I was the obvious choice to take control of the finance portfolio because I once had dinner with right-wing economist Milton Friedman.

But Key had other ideas, and New Zealand lost its greatest chance for the few to enjoy even greater levels of prosperity.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Key ran a sexist government. Paula Bennett was a member of his kitchen cabinet but I wasn't.

CHAPTER EIGHT

There were many happy years colluding with Cameron Slater's blog Whale Oil, spreading gossip and plotting a series of petty little vengeances against people we didn't like, but a vainglorious memoir isn't the place to get into that.

CHAPTER NINE

I am exhausted after that long sentence in chapter eight.

CHAPTER TEN

Key slithered out of politics. Bill English got what was coming to him.
There was a successful coup against Simon Bridges. I found it entirely credible to be so disloyal to the party's leader.

I stand before you today with my job application as the next leader of National. Thank you for reading it.