Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of . . . Xmas songs

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern contemplates an Orange Christmas. Photo / Marty Melville

THE SECRET DIARY OF .. XMAS SONGS

For Jacinda Ardern

Last Christmas, we could holiday
But then Delta came, and took that away.

This year, I'm sorry my dears
The best I can do is Orange.

For Chris Luxon

I'm dreaming of a blue Christmas
Just like the ones Key used to know.
Where the 'pinion polls glisten
And voters listen
To hear me laugh, reassuringly, "Ho ho ho."

I'm dreaming of a blue Christmas
With every Tory pledge to you.
May your capital gains and lower tax rates come through
And may all your Christmases be blue.

For Judith Collins

It's Christmas time, but of that I am not sure
At Christmas time, I got demoted and sent to rot in Papakura.

For in this world of treachery, all I see are Grinches
They threw me under the bus, driven by Simon Bridges.

Well there won't be joy for National this Christmas time
They'll regret what they did, they took what's mine.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
Do they know anything?
Do they know what's coming to them?
Do they know revenge is best served cold?
Don't they know who I am?
Don't they know who I am?
Don't they know who I am?

Ian Foster
Santa, tell me if you're really there
Don't make me lose another match
Or I will be out
Next year.

Santa, tell me if you've any tips
'Cause I don't seem to have a clue
The All Blacks
Are in the [redacted].

Grant Dalton

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Well I mean it would be a case of prospero año y felicidad for everybody but if the Government and Auckland City Council can't meet our demands then they get stuffed and everyone misses out and we'll sail the America's Cup boat someplace else like Jeddah or Cork and you can watch it on TV because that's the closest you'll get to it but don't blame me - I'm the victim here. I'm the victim. Don't ever forget that. Okay? Anyway, stick your Feliz Navidad.

Winston Peters

So this is Christmas, and what have I done?
Seemingly not much, but much more to come.

And so this is Christmas, you know I'll have fun
The plotting and scheming
And all that behind-the-scening.

And so this is Christmas
For gangs and for crims
The repealed three-strike law
Puts tonic in their gin.

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Watch out for migrants
They'll steal all your beer.

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year,
I'll make a comeback
On the back of your fear.

For Dr Ashley Bloomfield

Last Christmas, we were Covid-free
But then it came back, devastatingly.
Next year, if we all vaccinate
We might be safe by 2023.