Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of . . . The unruly tourists

COMMENT:

Day 1

The flight was rubbish. I yelled at the flight attendants, "Garcon! More beer!", and do you know what? I was ignored. I was flat-out ignored. Now that is just not on. It wouldn't happen at home, I can tell you that.

And it's not as if the attendants were feeling tired and over-worked because the plane hadn't even left the tarmac.

I'm not going to deny I like a drink. But it wasn't just about me. I was also wanting beer for my grannie and our kid. He's only 9, but he's very mature for his age.

Eventually they gave in, and gave in, and gave in, and gave in. Under normal circumstances I would have enjoyed getting rolling drunk on a long-distance flight but I could tell that the attendants and the other passengers looked down their noses at us.

"Well," I said to grannie, "if they're going to do that, let's leave them something for their noses, shall we?"

How she roared when I left a present from bub in the overhead locker!

Day 2

The food in Auckland is rubbish. We went to one restaurant and discovered ants in the food. We went to another restaurant and discovered hair in the food. Now that is just not on. It wouldn't happen at home, I can tell you that.

I said to the missus, "Right, you. We'll try another restaurant but this time how about you bring your toenail clippings?"

Day 3

The shops in Auckland are rubbish. We went into a petrol station and were appalled at the prices. Now that is just not on. It wouldn't happen at home, I can tell you that.

Do you know how much Red Bull energy drinks, rope and a pair of sunglasses cost? Well, to the average person, $55.20. But we struck a deal and walked out with them for free.

Day 4

The rubbish in Auckland is rubbish. I mean it's just not worth picking up and putting in a bin, because that's just a waste of our time.

But there we were, enjoying ourselves at Takapuna Beach, and next thing you know someone starts attacking us for leaving our rubbish on the ground. Now that is just not on. It wouldn't happen at home, I can tell you that.

Well, our kid gave them a piece of his mind! I wasn't surprised people filmed him with their phones - he looked so adorable in his great big sunhat.

Day 5

Hamilton is rubbish.

Day 6

Wellington is rubbish.

Day 7

What's the South Island like? I hear it's rubbish.

Day 8

New Zealand is complete and utter rubbish. It really is. We're not gypsies, we're not Irish, thank God, but they treat us like dirt everywhere we go. We're English. We're good, decent English, we are, and we don't deserve this kind of treatment.

The missus said, "It's just not worth it, is it. They're hounding us everywhere we go. Shall we go home?"

I said, "Home? Home? Are you mad? Home's rubbish."