Steve Braunias: The secret diary of that Winston Churchill painting

James Shaw was shocked and offended by the painting of Winston Churchill in Parliament. Photo / Mark Mitchell

OPINION:

JAMES SHAW

I was walking ever so softly down one of the corridors of power in Parliament when I happened to notice something very shocking and gravely offensive. It was a painting of Winston Churchill.

The Green Party stands for many things, a great many things indeed, some of them real, some of them quite fanciful and yet wonderfully appealing in their innocence, but one thing we won't tolerate is a painting of someone who galvanised a nation in the fight against the Nazi regime and the threat it posed to democracy, freedom, and, you know, life.

Broadly speaking I suppose Churchill had the right idea. Let history be the judge of that. But he could have gone about it differently. His cigar was a metaphor for toxic masculinity, as well as a health risk. Worse, he was English, and a man. So was James Cook. Enough said.

How the Churchill portrait ever got hung in Parliament is beyond me. But we must put the past behind us and steer blindly towards the future on a bicycle lane that no one uses. And so I decided then and there to do something about it. I gave it long and serious thought. Three seconds later, a very original idea occurred to me: I would cancel it.

Simeon Brown and James Shaw go to war over a portrait of Winston Churchill hanging in Parliament. Photo / Mark Mitchell

SIMEON BROWN

We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind! We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering! We have a situation involving the Green's foul plot to remove a painting of Winston Churchill, and I say: No! No, not on your nelly! This must not happen in good old Welly.

You ask, what is the point of the National Party in its current dysfunctional state? I say: It is to devote energy and resources to subjects of little to zero importance.

You ask, what is our policy? I say: It is to wage culture wars, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage culture wars against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime! Removing the painting of Winston Churchill is a good example.

To the ramparts! Take it to the bridge! Oh, mama, can this really be the end? We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets; we shall never surrender. Never! Do you hear me? Never! There'll be another culture war to fight next week.

JACINDA ARDERN

I phoned a communications specialist who is on a 24/7 retainer with my office, and said, "What do you advise my take should be on the removal of the Winston Churchill painting?"

He said, "Let me put in a call."

He rang back later in the morning, and said, "We've commissioned a poll, and expect the results to be with us soon."

I said, "But the media want to know now."

He said, "Tell your office to refer the media to put in a request through the Official Information Act."

I said, "One step ahead of you. But you saw the polls. Labour are down. It might be good to actually give them an answer."

He said, "I'm setting up an emergency Zoom with some of your other 7560 communications specialists on a 24/7 retainer."

Word came in an hour later that I should tell the media that I have far more important things to think about than the removal of the Winston Churchill painting.

"Thank you," I told the specialist. "That was your finest hour."