Steve Braunias: The secret diary of sport in lockdown level 2

Stop! Throwing - and that ball - will not be allowed in level 2 netball. Photo / Photosport

COMMENT

Sport will be allowed to continue in lockdown level 2. One or two small tweaks to the rules are being applied to ensure public safety.

Rugby

· No crouch

· No bind

· No set

· No engage

· No tackling

· No one called Barrett

· Sledging perfectly acceptable

Soccer

· No leaping like a salmon to head the ball into the back of the old onion bag

· No fulminating left-foot screamers

· No simple tap-ins

· No threaded passes

· No covering every square inch of grass

· Diving perfectly acceptable

Netball

· No marking

· No throwing

· No net

· No ball

· No women

· Research points to a bleak picture of gender bias in New Zealand sports coverage. A 2018 study revealed that female gold medallists receive less coverage on average across their careers than male athletes who have not achieved the same level of success.

Golf

· No birdie

· No bogey

· No eagle

· No green

· No fairway

· No rough

· No wood

· No iron

· No putt

· Tiger Woods will still manage to win

Rugby League

· No Eels

· No Knights

· No Raiders

· No Storm

· No Broncos

· No Panthers

· No Cowboys

· No Rabbitohs

· No Wests Tigers

· No Sea Eagles

· No Sharks

· No Roosters

· No Dragons

· The Warriors will still manage to lose

Political discourse on Twitter

· No disagreeing with Jacinda Ardern. Any attempt to question the Prime Minister's cautious path to lockdown level 2 by pointing to the very low numbers of Covid-19 cases will be shot down with a dismissive remark about the interviewer's lack of expertise in epidemiology, which is on a par with Jacinda Ardern's lack of expertise.

· No disagreeing with Dr Ashley Bloomfield. Any attempt to question the Director-General of Health about controlling the flow of information and data will be shot down as a blunt and graceless attack on a public servant who spends what little spare time he has going to the beach at his home in Eastbourne, and walking on the water.

· No talking about the urgent need to revitalise the economy, no sympathy for small business, no respect for large business, and no acknowledgement of the damage to the livelihoods of tens of thousands or even hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders.

· Mike Hosking perfectly unacceptable.