Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of ... Prime Minister Christopher Luxon

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon. Photo / Mark Mitchell

OPINION

Monday

I said to caucus this morning, “We’re looking ahead to deliver a set of deliverables that will help our vision of New Zealand take root and come to pass!”

I thought that would send the right inspiring message to the troops but no one said anything.

There was laughter at the back of the room.

I said, “What’s so funny?”

No one said anything.

I said, “Is someone smoking? I can smell smoke.”

No one said anything.

I sat down, and said, “Okay. Any questions?”

Someone shouted, “What are you going to do about Peters?”

Someone else shouted, “What are you going to do about Seymour?”

I stood up, and said, “Okay thanks everyone. Let’s get to work.”

Tuesday

I stood in a queue at the staff canteen for ages waiting for a coffee.

Shane Reti tapped me on the shoulder, and said, “Word to the wise. Just letting you know that caffeine can be very addictive. I mean it depends on all sorts of variables such as body mass index but research indicates that in the wrong hands, it can cause cancer, heart disease and chronic bronchitis, and increase the risk for tuberculosis and problems of the immune system.”

I said, “What research?”

He said, “Very solid, very reliable research.”

The queue wasn’t moving. I asked what was going on and it turned out it wasn’t a queue at all, just a bunch of MPs standing around. The canteen was closed. Budget cuts.

Wednesday

I left the Beehive to get some fresh air and saw Peters giving a press stand-up on the tiles. No one noticed me walk out.

Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters. Photo / Mark Mitchell

I came back into the Beehive and saw Seymour giving a press stand-up on the tiles. No one noticed me walk in.

Thursday

All day long at work I was sure I could smell cigarette smoke.

I asked Chris Bishop about it, and he said, “You are likely imagining things but in any case did you know that cigarettes are only as addictive as caffeine? I have had 50 coffees today and that’s why I’m talking so fast, so rabidly, and so insensibly. Cigarettes are better for you. Safe as houses. All good. Sorry, who are you again?”

I made a background check on Bishop and saw that he formerly worked as corporate affairs manager for tobacco company Philip Morris.

He obviously knows what he’s talking about.

Friday

I said, “It’s like no one knows I’m in the room. Like I’m invisible.”

He nodded.

I said, “I don’t understand it. I’m the leader. I’m the Prime Minister! Do you know what that means?”

He nodded.

I said, “Right. Of course. And another thing. Can you smell smoke?”

He shrugged. He was fading. The room was getting dark, and I could barely see him. His phone rang. He said, “It never rings. I wonder who it is.”

I said, “Find out.”

He picked it up, and said, “Chris Hipkins.”

I left him to it.