Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Mike Hosking and Jacinda Ardern

OPINION:

MIKE

I couldn't care less if I never saw Jacinda again. Not one bit. We had a good thing going and everybody saw the sense in it, but she had her chance, and she blew it.

Well, that's her loss. Good luck to her. I wish her well. I'm not going to give in to bitterness. But if she thinks she can just waltz back into my life for five seconds and act like nothing ever happened, then she can rot in hell.

JACINDA

Life with Mike was hell. It was a living hell, and I just couldn't see a way out. He'd say to me, over and over, "Just answer the question! Would you please answer the question? I need you to answer the question!"

I didn't like his questions. His questions were like eyes following me around the room. It was his manner, really; when he asked questions, it was as though he expected I would give him answers.

But a lot of people like him. He's super-popular, and that's attractive. I called him today and said I'd come over, just for a visit, nothing serious. "And please," I said, "no questions."

'His questions were like eyes following me around the room.' Photo / Michael Craig

MIKE

Bloody old Jacinda waltzes on in and makes herself a nice hot cup of raspberry tea infused with rainbows and unicorns, and says, "Isn't it a beautiful day! Why, it's like you can see clean across to Australia! Think how wonderful it will be now that we can travel there. Wonderful! Travel is so exciting, isn't it? Remember duty-free? The wines, the chocolates, the perfumes. Hint, hint!"

JACINDA

Bloody old Mike just sits there in a dark room with the curtains closed, wearing a black hat, black shoes, black pants, a black jacket, and a ripped pink T-shirt with zips on it, and says, "I want information. I want facts. I want answers!"

MIKE

When Jacinda left, I told everybody I never wanted to see her again. Barry said aw don't be like that, but I said butt out Barry this is none of your goddamned business.

JACINDA

When I left, I told everybody I never wanted to see Mike again. Barry said aw don't be like that but I said butt out Barry this is none of your goddamned business.

MIKE

The lingering scent of Jacinda's raspberry tea danced around me all day like motes of dust in a shaft of golden light, or like fairies in a wonderland where the only sound was the gentle tinkle of waterfalls over lichen.

'I guess I'll go back and see Mike sometimes.' Photo / Michael Craig

JACINDA

The scent of Mike's Ralph Lauren Safari for Men Eau de Toilette 125ml Spray, $84.99 from the Chemist Warehouse, stunk out my office.

MIKE

I see Jacinda chatting to the others, laughing at their jokes, giving them nothing, and I know her heart isn't in it. She wants someone to ask her real questions. She wants me.

I know she'll be back.

JACINDA

I talk to the others, charm them into submission, and give them nothing. My heart isn't in it. It doesn't mean anything. It's not real. It's exactly what I want.

But I guess I'll go back and see Mike sometimes. Just for a while. Not for long. I know that's what he wants.