Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Kim Dotcom

The last thing Kim Dotcom wants to do is attract attention. PIcture / Greg Bowker

MONDAY

I had the feeling I was being watched this morning when I was borne aloft in a throne carried by four armed men along Queen St in Auckland.

All I wanted was a pie at the dairy.

Along with every other law-abiding citizen in the great country of New Zealand, I was simply going about my own business. The last thing I want to do is attract attention.

I felt I needed to be very clear about this so I stopped in at Noel Leeming and bought a Sony microphone and an iDance Bluetank 2 wireless rechargeable speaker system, and announced as I progressed up Queen St, "The last thing I want to do is attract attention!"

People on the street looked at me with love in their hearts. New Zealand has really embraced me over the years and I am widely regarded by European people as a good joker, and by Maori people as a chief of great and awesome mana.

The problem is the FBI. And the CIA. And the ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives), the DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration), the FBP (Federal Bureau of Prisons), the USMS (United States Marshals Service) and the AMPAS (Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences).

I was explaining this to the man at the dairy. When I finished, he said, "Sorry mate but we don't have any pies left."

A likely story.

TUESDAY

I laid up at home with pies, chocolate, sausages, cakes, and slices of white bread sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, and solved the murder of Seth Rich.

Rich worked for the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and was shot dead near his home in Washington. Why? Because he was a WikiLeaks source - meaning he was involved in the hack of the DNC, not the Russians.

I know this because in late 2014 a person contacted me about helping me to start a branch of the Internet Party in the United States. He called himself Panda. I now know that Panda was Seth Rich.

I called myself Schweine. I wonder if Seth knew it was me? Sadly we will never know. But it's not too late to do the right thing and drag Rich's name through the mud.

I needed to share this news with a credible news agency so I got in touch with Fox News.

WEDNESDAY

Sean Hannity from Fox News wants me to appear on his show! It brought back happy memories of when I used to constantly appear on Campbell Live with its sympathetic and almost tearful host John Campbell.

It seemed I was on the show almost every night! It was the beginning of New Zealand's enduring love affair with me.

THURSDAY

Hannity has backed down.

It's a bad day for press freedom when even Fox News can be got at by the DNC, the FBI, the CIA, the DEA, the FBP, the USMS, the AMPAS and the ICOSMBWDHAPL (International Coalition Of Sorry Mate But We Don't Have Any Pies Left).

FRIDAY

An independent and credible source backs up my claims about Seth Rich - the Internet Party.

It spells out that I am no longer involved with the party, and that its statement was released without my knowledge.

I pushed send and went back to bed.