Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Gaurav Sharma

Dr Gaurav Sharma arriving at a Labour caucus meeting in November 2020. Not to be the case this week. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION

MONDAY

Dr Gaurav Sharma walked through the mean streets at his accustomed hour of 3.15am. His hands were plunged deep into the pockets of his trench coat, and he had pulled the collar up around his ears. It was cold. But he was hot on the trail of a vast conspiracy to defraud the New Zealand public. "I am running," he thought, "hot and cold."

He turned from Willis St on to Lambton Quay. He came to the first shop window and breathed on the glass. Nothing. And then the next shop window and the one after that. Nothing. He corrected himself: "Nothing yet."

Dr Gaurav Sharma arriving at a Labour caucus meeting in November 2020. Not to be the case this week. Photo / Getty Images

Somewhere along Lambton Quay a secret message would be revealed on one of the shop windows. The message would lift the lid on the Government's regime of disinformation and hidden agendas. "And much else," said his source, who was on the inside.

TUESDAY

One by one, the Government MPs entered Bowen House in downtown Wellington and keyed in the access number that opened the green door made of strengthened metal that led to an underground tunnel that came to the Civil Defence bunker built beneath the Beehive.

And one by one, they came to a door marked, DEFENCE FORCE RESTRICTED PLACE. IT IS AN OFFENCE PUNISHABLE BY IMPRISONMENT TO PROCEED BEYOND THIS NOTICE.

They knocked three times, paused, and knocked two times. An SIS operative opened the door and showed them into the nerve centre of the bunker. There were pods of desks, huge screens, no shortage of staple removers. Overlooking it was the bridge and sitting in the bridge command throne was Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.

"We have a situation with Sharma," she said. "It's time to enter Mode Four."

WEDNESDAY

Dr Sharma breathed on the glass. It revealed a message written by finger: "Mode Four."

"Oh my God," he said out loud. "It's come to this."

He felt a hand on his shoulder. His last thought was: McNulty. The syringe entered his neck and he fell into a deep unconsciousness that actually resembled his waking consciousness. He was a strange fellow.

THURSDAY

One by one the Government MPs entered Bowen House and did all the usual things with the tunnel and the green door and the RESTRICTED PLACE door but this time when they entered, they fell through a trapdoor into a net, that gently tipped them into a boat, which set off on an underground water channel emerging on to Wellington harbour, and then journeyed to Somes Island.

They were taken to the remains of the former World War II internment camp, where Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern paced the room and eyed them carefully. One of her MPs, she knew, was acting as Sharma's source. But who? Which one?

She would find out.

FRIDAY

Dr Sharma ran down Lambton Quay, and grabbed at the lapels of passersby.

"She's a liar!", he screamed. "She's lying! The Prime Minister! So many lies! Lies, lies, lies! All of it, lies! Yes, Jacinda Ardern, the Prime Minister, is a liar! Hear me before it's too late! Listen! Listen to what I am saying to you!"

But they pushed him away and kept on walking. They did not wish to have anything to do with him. It wasn't what he was saying. It was the fact he was naked.

His source watched from a hotel window above Lambton Quay. "I should have written, 'Behind you,'" the source said out loud.

There was a knock at the door. "Room service," a voice called out.

"I didn't order room service," the source replied.