Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of ... Christmas

Prime Minister Chris Luxon. Photo / Marty Melville

OPINION

Christopher Luxon

Last Christmas, I gave you my word

Make me PM next year

And I’ll save you from fear.

This year, I got the top job

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But gave it away to Winston.

Happy election, I wrapped it up and sent it

With a note saying “Get NZ back on track”, I meant it

Now I know what a fool I’ve been

Cos all I achieved was getting Winston back on track again.

Last Christmas, I gave you my dream

Vote National in

And I’ll be in with a grin.

This year, despite everything,

I’m stuck in a coalition.

Chris Hipkins

It was Christmas Eve, babe

In the Beehive bar.

I very much doubt

I’ll see another one.

And then I sang a song

A loud self-pitying tune.

I bleated on and on

And dreamed about you.

Labour leader Chris Hipkins. Photo / Mark Mitchell

You left me in the lurch

When you went away. But you just didn’t care

And that’s what really hurts.

So happy Christmas I miss you, baby

I crashed the family car

This is on you, Jacinda.

Ian Foster

Oh hells bells!

Oh hells bells!

Ian Foster, All Blacks head coach for the 2023 World Cup. Photo / Photosport

Hells bells all year long!

We went to France

We thought we had a chance

But we got it so horribly wrong.

Auē!

Sir Peter Jackson

So this is Christmas

And what have I done?

Revived the Beatles

Now and Then’s at number one.

Film director, screenwriter and producer Sir Peter Jackson. Photo / Getty Images

And so this is Christmas

The song was awful

A tuneless old dirge

But I got to hang with Paul.

Liz Gunn

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

Leader of the NZ Loyal Party Liz Gunn.

Except if you look a bit more closely at Feliz Navidad, and do a bit of digging, which is something that so-called journalists never do in this country, they never even fact-check, they only ever make wild statements without any foundation of even logic, they cannot be taken seriously, they are wilful and umhinged and follow their own crazed agenda, but actually it’s sadder than that because they really do seem to come across as lost and unhappy, suffering from some strange, deep hurt, which makes you worry about their mental health and prevents you from saying anything too harsh about them – anyway, Feliz Navidad is clearly a hidden message to New Zealanders. Happy New Year, everyone!

Winston Peters

Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters. Photo / Mark Mitchell

We three kings of coalition are

Him, and him, and me, Winston Peters.

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Jacinda Ardern

I’m dreaming of a nice Christmas

Not like the one I had last year.

I was widely hated

And so I stated

See ya later; let me outta here.

I’m dreaming of a nice Christmas

Like one that all Kiwis have in mind.

Former Prime Minister Dame Jacinda Ardern. Photo / Good Morning America

No political chatter

That stuff, it don’t matter

Just kick back; and please, do be kind.