Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of Christmas

JACINDA ARDERN

Let me perfectly clear about something – for once! Let me just say this. Are you ready? Gollywilikins, do I ever love Christmas!

The previous government were grinches. They gave us financial security – but they forgot to give us presents! Not me. Because you know what? I'm actually a little elf! You can hang me on your tree. In the morning, I'll change into a unicorn! Would you like a rainbow?

Xmas Day is special but so is Xmas Eve, when the lights of the tree burn so bright in the dark. They glitter and flicker – just like stardust! In many ways looking at a Xmas tree is like looking at myself.

Let me be the tree in your living room. Is there an off switch? Not when you're relentlessly positive! Ho! Ho!! Ho!!!!

DONALD TRUMP

I said to Melanya, "I'm thinking about buying a present for a certain little lady."
She said, "Da."

I said, "I don't know if you remember her? Mrs Jacinda Trudeau. I have an incredible memory for names. Your name escapes me for the moment, but that's okay, I have a feeling you're alright with that and that the next thing you say to me is going to be 'Da."
She said, "Da."

I said, "Anyway, Jacinda and I met, and had a nice talk. Nice lady, nice talk. Just to meet me brought her happiness. It brought her record happiness. It brought her the highest levels of happiness since records began.
"And so I'd like to buy Jacinda a present, and I think it would be very, very nice if I gave it to her in person, so I'm inviting to her one of my homes. The one in Charlottesville."
She said, "Da."

I said, "No, you've never been there. It's a very beautiful house, very nice, very big. I own actually one of the largest wineries in the United States and that's in Charlottesville.
"Plus there are a lot of good people in Charlottesville. The press only talk about the bad things that neo-Nazis do but neo-Nazis love children, especially white ones, and they are very gracious hosts, and I know they'd all love to meet Jacinda Trudeau. They wouldn't want to meet Justin Trudeau, though. He's not welcome. Just her. Just that little lady. Da?"
She said, "Why don't you go f--k yourself?"

JIAN YANG

There has been a misunderstanding. The person whom I lobbied to overturn a national security block was someone known and loved by us all.

He came to me and told me that there had been security concerns about his habit of entering every house in New Zealand in the dead of night.

I said, "I will see what I can do. It would be a shame to ruin Xmas for every child in this country."

As a National MP, this is merely one of many constituent cases I have dealt with over the past six years.

I have also acted for the Tooth Fairy.

BILL ENGLISH

Jian Yang has my full backing. I have accessed the files, and see no evidence of wrong-doing. He was merely trying to help two valued members of our community.

I might add I was a little bit surprised to learn that both the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus were Chinese.

CLARKE GAYFORD

I said to Jacinda, "You can turn that relentlessly positive switch off now."

JACINDA ARDERN

I put my feet up, watched some terrible TV, raided the fridge for a midnight snack of good, cold KFC and then I opened the back door and looked at the stars.
Interesting year.

God knows what 2018 will bring but right now isn't the time for any of us to start worrying or thinking about that. It's Xmas!