Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of Brian Tamaki

This week we saw it happen in New Zealand. Last week we sat it happen in America. God has blessed Donald Trump. Photo / Stephen Parker

MONDAY

I was in the basement vault last night counting my money when I heard a deep rumbling in the Earth.

"Hannah," I called out, "it's those gays again!"

She called back, "What are they doing this time?"

I called out, "Well, you know how Leviticus says that the Earth convulses under the weight of human sin?"

She called back, "Who? I didn't quite catch that."

I yelled, "Leviticus!"

She yelled, "No need to yell at me!"

I yelled, "Well if you came down to the basement we could have a normal conversation!"

She shrieked, "Normal! I'll give you normal! You spend all your time down in that vault! I have needs!"

I yelled, "Listen to me! The land actually speaks to God! Because nature was never created to carry the bondage of our iniquity! In short, I just felt an earthquake and it's because God is angry with gay people!"

She screeched, "You're the one who sounds angry! Haul your fat arse upstairs and talk to me in a normal voice, and stop yelling at me like that! What's wrong with you? You're like some sort of creature from the underworld, making loud and diabolical noises from a pit!"

I yelled, "Fat what? I didn't quite catch that."

My mobile rang. I picked it up, and said, "Hello?"

Hannah screamed, "Arse! Fat arse!"

TUESDAY

Apparently the neighbours overheard all the commotion on Sunday night, and have told the media. "This is worrying, very worrying," I said to Hannah. She said, "You can say that again."

"I sort of just did," I said.

She said, "Don't you dare talk back to me. Do you want another night in the dogbox?"

"No," I said.

She said, "There's going to be a lot of negative publicity over you blaming the earthquake on gays. I'm worried what that could lead to."

"Oh, right," I said.

There was a silence. She stared at me, and said, "Was there something else about Sunday night that's worrying you?"

"No," I said quickly.

She said, "Something I said, that neighbours heard, and the media might make public?"

I got up and walked out. She called after me, "Is that a new suit you have on today?"

"It might be," I said.

She said, "Quite slimming."

Her laughter followed me through the house until I made it down to the basement vault and closed the door.

WEDNESDAY

An online petition has been formed to have Destiny Church re-categorised as a hate group and strip us of our tax-free status. Pathetic! No one will sign that.

THURSDAY

The online petition has gained more than 105,000 signatures.

"In you get," said Hannah, ordering me into the dogbox.

FRIDAY

The thing is that it wasn't just the gays who caused the earthquake with their abominable gayness.

It was also intellectuals, academics, writers, poets, historians, biologists, geologists, and many others who have a reasonably high IQs.

Mostly though the root cause of the earthquakes were liberals.

Leviticus - or was it one of those other prophets? - sayeth that when liberal ideas are practised too much then the land will react and spew up the inhabitants.

Wellington is a hotbed of liberals, as is Christchurch. So no surprises there.

I didn't expect Kaikoura or Cheviot to have that many liberals, but it just goes to show.

"Enough," as I prophesised a few years ago, "is enough." God has spoken through the Earth. The liberals shall be scattered and crushed, their houses destroyed, their children made to suffer, their ideas of tolerance and freedom rammed back down their throats.

This week we saw it happen in New Zealand. Last week we sat it happen in America. God has blessed Donald Trump. As I wrote on Twitter the other day, "America has hd a gut full of Liberalism nd so hav we."