Steve Braunias: The secret diary of... Alfred Ngaro

National MP Alfred Ngaro in his office at Parliament, Wellington. Photo / Mark Mitchell

COMMENT:

MONDAY

Lo and verily did God say unto me today, "Caught you lounging around at your Te Atatu home, I see. Nice house."

And I did reply, "Thanks. Actually, do you know the journalist Steve Braunias? He had a look at it when it was for sale a few years ago. He liked the pool out the back and was taken with the really steep spiral staircase, but we ended up buying it."

He said He'd never heard of him. "Anyway," He did say, "just thought I'd look in on you. You don't get out much these days."

And I did reply, "Well. You know how it is. There's not much you can do as a politician when you're in Opposition."

He shrugged, and did say, "But still."

And I did reply, "Plus also when you're in Opposition and the leader is Simon Bridges."

He nodded, and did say, "Fair point. Poor old Simon."

And I did make no comment for what else was there to add.

Lo and verily did God pick up the conversation and say, "Have you ever thought of forming a new Christian-values political party that would act as a natural ally to National as an MMP partner, and would also provide a platform for you to express your antediluvian views?"

And I did think that a good idea and scheduled a stand-up for tomorrow.

TUESDAY

That went even better than I expected. In fact I'd like to see someone else this week do as good a job as I did about forming a new Christian-values political party!

It felt good to be able to speak my mind. To take control of my destiny, and to take charge of my life, and to dump on women who think they know best about having abortions.

Because let's face facts. Abortion isn't a tragedy. That's not the right word for it. The right word for it is Holocaust.

WEDNESDAY

Abortion isn't a Holocaust. That's not the right word for it. The right word for it is tragedy.

Lo and verily did God roll his eyes, and say to me, "Doh."

THURSDAY

Lo and yeah whatever. I was feeling really good about myself today, and people were remarking to me that I looked better than I have in years, that I seemed stronger, taller, a man of authority and gravitas – and then I heard the news that Destiny Church were holding a press conference for Brian and Hannah Tamaki to announce they'd formed the Coalition New Zealand Party.

Destiny Church Leader Brian Tamaki and wife Hannah Tamaki, who will be the leader of the new Coalition New Zealand political party. Photo / Getty Images

I watched it later on TV. Hannah addressed me directly. "I feel you are looking for a place to call home," she said. "Come and sit with me."

Lo and yeah right. At her feet, I bet.

FRIDAY

Lo and verily did God say unto me today, "I see you're lying around the house again."

And I did pout, and say nothing.

He sighed, and did say, "What's the problem?"

And I did stub my toe on the goddamned steep spiral staircase, and took His name in vain.

"Okay," He said, "let's get to the bottom of this. Spit it out."

And I did say I felt hurt, that I thought He oughtn't go around talking to others about forming a new Christian-values political party.

Lo and verily did the Good Lord smile upon me, and say, "Do you mean the Tamakis? I don't talk to them."