The anxiously conservative right: Thank you, Ma'am, for everything. For your long service. For your calm and benevolent reign over the Commonwealth. For the special place you so obviously held in your heart for New Zealand – right till the end.
We are a nation united ingrief. We bend the knee. The flags are at half-mast and so are our spirits. We bend the knee. God save the King. We bend the knee, and we're in no hurry to ever actually get up off it.
The morally superior left: King Charles III built his own empire long before he inherited his mother's. As Prince, he used tax breaks, offshore accounts and canny real estate investments to turn a sleepy estate into a billion-dollar business. Wealth must never be tolerated.
As for the Queen, she worked hard to maintain an institution built on the invasions and plunderings of colonialism. She ought to have acknowledged the wrongs committed in her name and allowed herself to be pelted with rotten fruit on a walk of shame every day of her life, including public holidays.
And now the British public are going to foot the bill on a funeral and coronation when people are literally eating each other to stay alive.
Plus we don't like corgis. Or jewellery. Or princesses. Or princes. Or wealth. Or anything, really, apart from bicycles, John Campbell and masks.
MASK MANDATES
The anxiously indignant left: Are the Government trying to kill us? Why don't they just herd all of us into a killing field, and get out the electronic prods? Because it's no exaggeration to say this is what's happening here.
But we can take matters into our own hands. We can continue to go about our business fully masked. On the bus. In supermarkets. And, definitely, on flights – and if cabin crew insist on trying to feed us with complimentary snacks, water, and hot drinks, we should throw it back in their faces and demand they land the plane, immediately. Because we must respond to the crisis reasonably.
The smugly complacent right: The Government have finally come to their senses, and sent a positive message to the public as New Zealand strives to restore the most important thing in any functioning society – business confidence.
It signals the end of the restrictions and the restraints we've been living under in these past few years of the Government's reign of terror. We can only hope we will never have to hear from epidemiologists again. It's no exaggeration to regard them as the lowest of the low and agents of chaos.
TE WIKI O TE REO MĀORI
The unhappy left: Here we go again with the unsightly spectacle of narrow-minded, ignorant racists reacting to Māori Language Week by expressing their hate speech on social media – the pathetic home of all keyboard warriors.
They tear their hair out when Radio New Zealand announcers use te reo. They have heart attacks when television presenters wear moko kauae. They speak of the Queen's English but all they're saying is, "Shut up."
The unhappy right: Here we go again with the unsightly spectacle of virtue signalling, wet Woke libs celebrating Māori Language Week by scorning its critics on social media – the pathetic home of all keyboard warriors.
They think we tear our hair out when Radio New Zealand announcers use te reo. They think we have heart attacks when television presenters wear moko kauae. So what! They should all just shut up.
The Bledisloe Cup is perhaps the only thing the left and right can agree on. Photo / Getty Images
BLEDISLOE CUP
The New Zealand right: All Blacks! All Blacks! All Blacks!
