Steve Braunias: The secret Chinese intelligence report on Chris Hipkins

OPINION

MONDAY

12.05am: Undercover agent A on board the Boeing 757 carrying New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins to China signals a disturbing message. Hipkins does not appear to be on board. Agent is told to look in the hold.

1.41am: Agent A signals he has opened every item of luggage but found no sign of Hipkins. Agent is asked why he thought Hipkins might be inside items of luggage. Agent reports that Hipkins might have special powers.

1.44am: An extensive investigation confirms that Hipkins has no special powers and is just a boy from the Hutt.

2.30am: Mystery is solved when a message is received from undercover agent B travelling on another Boeing 757 that it has landed in China and New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins is on board. Agent A is on what is known as the backup plane, which is empty except for emergency rations for Hipkins’ visit to China.

TUESDAY

6.15am: Undercover agents C, D and E, who are among the business delegation travelling to China with New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins, signal a disturbing message. It is revealed that the emergency rations for Hipkins on board the empty Boeing 757 have disappeared. Agent A is brought in for questioning by agent F.

8.30pm: Undercover agents G, H, I, J and K, who are catering the state dinner in the Great Hall of the People for New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins, report that Hipkins is seated opposite President Xi Jinping at a distance of 40 metres. Undercover agents L, M, N, O and P relay messages between the two during the evening. Agent N is taken to hospital with exhaustion.

10pm: Reports compiled by agent Q state that New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins generally behaved with all due respect and deference. He made reference to human rights and foreign policy issues but only quickly, in passing, apologetically, in a kind of incoherent mutter, concealed with a nervous laugh, and concluded with the comment, “Anyhoo! Getting back to the market for New Zealand lamb chops.”

WEDNESDAY

3am: Agent A finally cracks under questioning from agents R and S. He confesses that he could not help himself and ate the emergency rations set aside for New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins. “They were just so good,” he weeps. President Xi Jinping personally intervenes and demands that agent A describes the ingredients of the rations as best as he can so replacements can be cooked before Hipkins departs China. “I attach great importance to our relations with New Zealand,” said the President. “China always views New Zealand as a friend and a partner. So do your best and try to make these ‘sausage rolls’.”

4am: A farewell party for agent A, who is unable to attend.

THURSDAY

1pm: Agents T, U, V and W travelling with the New Zealand media party attend a ceremony at the Baoshan International Folk Art Museum, where Prime Minister Chris Hipkins holds out his hands patiently while waiting to receive his gift of a wooden dragon boat. But Baoshan district mayor Gao Yiyi does not give it to him and instead bangs on about the significance of the boat or whatever.

10.35pm: Agent X in the kapa haka group Te Whānau-ā-Apanui signals that New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins did not perform in an after-dinner haka, much to everyone’s joy and relief, bro.

FRIDAY

2pm: President Xi Jinping visits the kitchen of the Great Hall of the People to taste the so-called “sausage rolls” cooked by agents Y and Z. “These are just so good,” he says, and congratulates the agents. They begin crating the rolls to be taken to Prime Minister Chris Hipkins but President Xi Jinping says, “Wait a minute. He’s all good. We gave him a wooden dragon boat or whatever.”

The sausage rolls are redelivered c/o the President.