Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of Waitangi

Jacinda Ardern serves tomato sauce during the Prime Minister's Breakfast at the at Waitangi. Photo / Michael Cunningham

JACINDA ARDERN
It gives me great pleasure as your Prime Minister to stand before you at the after-match feed at Waitangi and to be put in charge of the sauce.

I have to admit I was a bit nervous about being put in charge of the sauce. It's a great honour to be put in charge of the sauce and as your Prime Minister I have many, many responsibilities but few are more weighty and loaded with significance than coming to Waitangi and being put in charge of the sauce.

Anything could happen. I could squirt too little. I could squirt too much. I could, God forbid, get some on my clothes. Such are the dangers and risks inherent in being put in charge of the sauce.

But February 6 is the one day that we must put aside our fears and look to the past while also looking to the future. In effect we must keep one eye on the past and the other on the future. But at all times we must also keep both eyes on the sauce so I hope you'll excuse me if I'm starting to look a little cross-eyed.

The pressures of living together in Aotearoa are many. Certainly there are tensions, and inequalities, and iniquities. The system isn't perfect. There will continue to be problems and the solutions we offer won't always work. So at the end of the day sometimes the only thing we can do is hit the sauce.

BRIAN TAMAKI
I've been hearing a lot about the sauce but I have come to Waitangi to spread the message that I am the sauce.

I am the divine sauce. I am the holy sauce. Verily, I am the fulfillment of every prophesy concerning the squirting, dripping, messy sauce.

But wait there's more. There always is with me. Okay. Here it is.

God is saying there's gonna be a transfer from one system to a new system. It took David five minutes to defeat Goliath, but 18 years of warfare to defeat King Saul. They had to fight. God alone is the Lord, and I'm here as an Apostle to tell you that what was birthed at Waitangi, besides the Treaty, was the Word of God. Jesus smashed traditions. From this day forward there's a new breed of Māori. We're not stopping till we get our prosperity back. Till we get our children back. Our families. We're standing up, two people in unity from this day forward.

Anyway, I'm hungry! Let's eat! Anyone want some sauce? Please form an orderly queue at the ATM.

SHANE JONES
Here we are! Blasted by the wind! Afflicted by floods! Drenched with rain! But the house still stands, and the challenge as we prepare to celebrate 180 years since the Treaty was signed, what is the content of that cornerstone, of that foundation stone for you and I, respecters of the Treaty, lovers of our heritage and believers in the future?

Hold that though because I see Winston is signalling for me to shut up and fetch him some sauce. Here I go!