Steve Braunias: Secret diary of Treasury Secretary Gabriel Makhlouf

Treasury Secretary Gabriel Makhlouf is leaving to take up a job in Ireland. Photo / Greg Bowker

COMMENT:

MONDAY

I had my feet up on the desk and was staring out the window when one of the team popped his head in the door and asked if I was busy.

I don't know what he thought it looked like but of course I was busy. I'm the head of Treasury. I don't get paid just to sit around and stare out of windows.

"It's just that there seems to be a bit of a problem," he said.

I told him I had enough problems. I'm about to take up a new position as Governor of the Central Bank of Ireland, and it's been an absolute nightmare trying to decide what to take and what to leave in storage.

The fool just stood in the doorway. I looked at dining out options in Dublin on Trivago, and ignored him.

Restaurant Patrick Guilbaud sounds very good. It's got two Michelin stars and is only 11 minutes by car to the bank's offices on the River Liffey. The cellar houses over 30,000 bottles from all over the world and some vintages are very rare. Its website claims, "Our bespoke glassware is designed to suit the development of each varietal." What's a varietal? And how to choose between the grilled seabass, and the pheasant and partridge pithivier? And what's a pithivier? So many questions I don't know the answer to!

TUESDAY

Finance Minister Grant Robertson presents his Wellbeing Budget. Photo / Mark Mitchell

The same fool was blocking the doorway to my office when I arrived at work. He asked if I was busy. I told him I didn't know whether he could tell the time or not, but it was late morning, and I had to get ready to go out for lunch.

"It's just that sometime appears to be hacking the Budget papers from our website," he said.

I said, "What of it?"

The fool just stood in the doorway. My phone rang, and it was Finance Minister Grant Robertson.

He screamed, "Someone appears to be hacking the Budget papers from your website!"

I said, "I know! I've been fully briefed! I'm all over it!"

He screamed, "What are you going to do about it?"

Hate those questions I don't know the answer to!

WEDNESDAY

National Party leader Simon Bridges denied any involvement in the Budget hack. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Pinning it on Simon Bridges was a masterstroke. It was the fool's idea; he said the hacked information had been leaked to National, which meant they were most probably behind it.

"I agree with you," I said.

I told Robertson.

"I agree with you," he said. "I'll demand his resignation!"

Crisis averted, job done.

A pithivier is a pie usually made by baking two disks of puff pastry.

THURSDAY

Crisis.

Bridges has denied any involvement, and demands my resignation. On the same day as the Budget! And not just any Budget. The Wellbeing Budget has my fingerprints all over it. In March I gave a speech about the need for Treasury to focus on "living standards and intergenerational wellbeing".

Makhlouf in the debating chamber after the reading of the Budget. Photo / Mark Mitchell

It's really the Gabriel Makhlouf Budget. It's my legacy. It's what I'm going to be remembered for.

Damn it.

FRIDAY

The fool was sitting at my desk with his feet up when I arrived at work. There was a cardboard box on the floor. I stood at the window and stared out.