Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of the Heatwave

'The government's sympathy now rests with the criminals. And with this heatwave.' Photo / Andrew Warner

JACINDA ARDERN

Phew! This heat! It's too hot to think – but the weather's always just right for virtue signalling!!!

Now as we know that's one of my strengths and it will certainly come into play next week during Waitangi.

But right now it's important to concentrate on something of substance.

And that's laying out a mission statement!!!

And that's why we've gathered the Labour caucus together in sunny Marlborough where I told the troops that I think 2019, for us as a team, is going to be characterised by the word delivery.

Delivery. It's a simple word which means so much. Let's all stop and think about that. And let's get a team of consultants in, who can unpack that word, and show us some of its meanings because the last thing we want to do is just run out and deliver.

Delivering things fast, and to order – it just doesn't work like that. More importantly, Labour doesn't work like that. And so let's all sit in a dark room in the unbearable heat and bring in the consultants!!!

AUCKLAND

You can't beat Auckland when it's like this.

SIMON BRIDGES

Yes, it's hot. I don't think anyone can argue with that. Here I am giving a state of the nation talk in Christchurch, and you can see the hot air rising every time I open my mouth.

But I think if we ask ourselves, "Gosh, why is it so darned hot?", and begin to look at the causes, then it becomes pretty evident that the fault lies fair and square with the government.

And that's why National is committed to tax cuts, and getting tough on crime.

The government's sympathy now rests with the criminals.

And with this heatwave.

I think it's helpful if we think of government as a parent who has locked small children and pets in the car, then gone shopping at the mall.

It's shopping with our taxes, and it's not spending very wisely at all. Meanwhile the lives of small children and pets are put in jeopardy, but the government doesn't care. It's a bad parent. It's on drugs.

Well, our new drugs spokesperson Paula Bennett has some very damning statistics about cannabis use. And what it comes down to is this. If we decriminalise cannabis, we also decriminalise government – and nobody wants that.

WELLINGTON

You can't beat the capital when it's like this.

JAMI-LEE ROSS

Oh boy! It's certainly very hot in my new office in parliament.

And dark.

And not a lot of room to move.

Or breathe.

But I'm grateful to National for going to the trouble of finding me a new office, because I've put my problems behind me and just want to get on with the job. I'm here to roll up my sleeves, and attend to my workload. Paperwork, phone calls, committee meetings – you name it, I'm up for it.

Still, a desk would have helped.

And a chair.

But I suppose I can find a use for the mop and broom.

HAMILTON

You can't beat Raglan when it's like this.