Steve Braunias: Secret diary of the flags

'Old faithful' New Zealand flags fly in front of The Beehive. Photo / Getty Images

Richie McCaw

When I think of the silver fern, I think of the All Blacks. But that doesn't mean that I favour a new flag. When I think of the weather, I think of the All Blacks.

Four years ago we weren't thinking about the flag. Four years ago we were all thinking about Dan Carter's groin. They're both iconic and mean a lot to New Zealanders.

Now we're all thinking about the flag and Dan's groin is all good. It shows how we've grown as a nation.

We're five days out from flying to London for the World Cup. The last thing I want to be asked about is the flag. I don't want a headache. I don't want any distractions. All I want to focus on is rugby, and wearing the silver fern, which would make a really great new flag.

Maurice Williamson

Everyone's talking about the flag. Fair enough, too. It looks like a skirt. A very short skirt, if you know what I mean! If you saw a young lady walking down the street wearing a flag for a skirt, I bet we'd all offer her the assistance of our flagpole!

You want zingers, just call Willers! I'm good for a joke, a gag, a wheeze. I went dressed as a superhero to MC an event at Sky City in Auckland last week, and the audience loved it! I had them roaring in the aisles as they stormed out!

People say to me, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

And I tell them, "I'm emblematic of the last term of a dysfunctional government. Whee!"

Jacinda Ardern

The last thing we should be doing is saying, "Oh, that's a pretty little flag."

We mustn't judge the flags on their appearance.

It would be facile and demeaning if we merely rated the flags on their attractiveness, and if we like the way they look. I wish we had one in polka dots.

Kanye West

Bro. Bro! I'm down with New Zealand wanting a new flag, you know what I'm saying? I look at the flags and I think about when I'm in the grocery store with my daughter and someone says, "Man, you talk drivel pretty much all the time." And here I am doing exactly that onstage at the MTV Awards. And yes, I did smoke a little something to take the edge off, and I rolled it in the four New Zealand flags. The koru was especially good.

And yes, as you probably could have guessed, I have decided in 2017 to run for Prime Minister of New Zealand. Strikes me that any sucker can do that job, you know what I'm saying? I hope so, because I have no idea what on Earth I'm saying.

The Prime Minister

At the end of the day I think there's a lot of merit in talking about the flag as opposed to talking about saving lives by increasing our refugee quota.

I like all of the new designs. I think the thing I like most about them is their shape. They're all shaped exactly like flags. A flag that was shaped like a triangle, for instance, wouldn't look right flying from a flagpole. It'd look like it was advertising a used-car yard. There's nothing wrong with a used-car yard of course, and I've been told that whenever I give press conferences standing in front of the New Zealand flag, I look like a used-car salesman.

So perhaps we should actually have a flag shaped like a triangle. A lot of little colourful triangles, fluttering in the breeze, advertising to the world that New Zealand's mission in the world is to sell stuff, and also promoting the idea that right now, in the midst of the humanitarian crisis in Europe, New Zealand has absolutely no moral leadership worth a hill of beans.