Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of the chicken that crossed the road

Tim Groser. Picture / NZME

Tim Groser

Well I think the first thing that we all have to acknowledge is that the chicken has actually crossed the road. It got to the other side in Atlanta. It got there in the end. It wasn't easy and there were roadblocks to negotiate but there it is, it's successfully crossed the road, more or less in one piece.

Now it may seem that the immediate gains for the dairy sector in the wake of the chicken-crossing are disappointing. I think it's fair to concede that. But this isn't the end of the road for the chicken. The chicken will not stop at Atlanta. It will get on a bus.

It will gather speed as the adjustment process changes the politics, and therefore the art of the possible, and it will pick up more passengers, and we all know what they say about the wheels of a bus - they go round and round, much like I do whenever I open my trap.

Let me say two other things about the chicken on the bus. When the political markets steady themselves and we are not facing such massive resistance any longer from the United States, Canada and Japan, then there is every reason to believe that in five, 10 years' time - I don't know when - that we will have the political base to accelerate the bus, and it will be an exciting ride for everybody on board as the bus plunges over a cliff.

The second thing I'd like to say is that I think it's important to acknowledge my own role in shepherding the chicken across the road at Atlanta. I have followed that chicken all around the world and indeed spoken about very little else. It will be my legacy to the nation. I might suggest that a statue of myself looking like a chicken is in order.

But that's in the future. Right now I think what we should all agree on is that it's important for everyone to form an orderly queue, and to approach me with thanks and gratitude, and to slap my back and sing songs praising the fact that I'm a jolly good fellow. Certainly I will entertain the possibility of adding my voice to this pleasing harmony, and if it's louder than everyone else's voice, or indeed the only voice, then so be it.

Steve Crow. Photo / Wayne Drought

Steve Crow

Does the chicken have boobs? No? Well then Steve Crow suggests that it gets off the bloody road during the return of the wildly popular Boobs on Bikes parade in Auckland.

I wish it were a roadshow, actually. Take it south of the Bombay Hills. Imagine the effects of the colder temperatures in Dunedin, for example. It's something that Steve Crow certainly sits around imagining. All the time. I can't be the only one because big crowds are expected at this weekend's Erotica expo featuring porn stars and strippers, many of whom have boobs.

But Boobs on Bikes is a lot more than just boobs. It's also about bikes. Put them together and what do you get? Boobs on Bikes, which stands for Bob. And you know what they say about Bob. He's your uncle. And that's the thing about Boobs on Bikes. It's for the family.

But getting back to the chicken, I'm not saying it doesn't have a right to cross the road. That's not my style. Steve Crow is a free-thinking adult who hates bureaucratic nonsense and over-government. I'm a firm believer in freedom of speech and a staunch opponent of censorship. I'm an intellectual, and so are my boobs.

I'm a libertarian, and I believe in free access and free trade - just like Tim Groser. We're actually alike in many ways. He talks about TPP. I talk about TIT. He is a bit of a tit, and so is Steve Crow.