Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of Gerry Brownlee

The Prime Minister called. He said, "What's this I hear about you holding secret talks with the Chinese about obtaining a giant panda for Wellington Zoo?"

MONDAY
I was waiting for my flight at the Koru lounge at Auckland international when the Prime Minister walked in.

He said, "Gerry! What are you doing here?"

"Oh - just - I was seeing someone off," I said. "What about you? What brings you here? Always going somewhere, I suppose! Ha, ha!"

He explained that he was going to the United Nations in New York so that Obama, Putin, and other world leaders could rub shoulders with him.

"You'll be busy."

"Flat-out. I've even pencilled in a meeting with Helen Clark."

"Clark! What for?"

"Can't hurt to be seen with her. Gives the left something to choke on."

"Yes. I bet. Ha, ha!"

We sat there in silence for a while, and then he said, "So who is that you're seeing off?"

"Um - that guy over there." I pointed at a random stranger helping himself at the buffet. "Businessman. Very generous with his party donations."

"Introduce me."

"Oh - well - no, because - the thing is - well, he's very shy. Very, very shy."

The call came over that his flight was set to depart. He got up, and I said, "Well, you best be going! Have a safe flight. Bon voyage. Ha, ha!"

TUESDAY

China! Land of contrasts. Sometimes they serve noodles, sometimes they serve rice.

I went through the motions of holding defence talks with senior officials from the People's Liberation Army.

I said, "Defence - it's very important in this day and age."

They said, "Yes. That is very true."

I said, "We are both island nations and that makes us vulnerable."

They said, "Yes. That is very true."

I said, "It's good to sit down and have a conversation about these weighty matters."

They yawned, and said, "Yeah."

When it was finished, they presented me with a wall hanging - of a giant panda.

They're a very subtle people, the Chinese.

"Is there, by any chance," I asked, "a giant panda breeding research base in the vicinity?"

An 18th month old giant panda.

WEDNESDAY

The Prime Minister called. He said, "What's this I hear about you holding secret talks with the Chinese about obtaining a giant panda for Wellington Zoo?"

I said, "I wanted to surprise you!"

He said, "Should New Zealand's Minister of Defence really hold diplomatic talks with military leaders of one of the world's most powerful countries about a giant panda?"

I said, "I don't see a problem with that."

He said, "Me neither. How's it going?"

I told him that I'd actually been allowed in an enclosure with a giant panda. "I don't think she wanted me to leave," I said.

He said, "Helen Clark was the same! I couldn't get away. She's gone kind of crazy."

"How crazy?"

"She gave her full support to the TPPA."

"Wow."

"I know."

THURSDAY

Another visit to Chengdu, the giant panda breeding research base. We had a nice cuddle. She's really taken a shine to me.

FRIDAY

I was on my way to the airport for the flight home when I got a call from one of the keepers at the giant panda breeding research base. "Please return immediately," he begged.

I got the driver to turn the car around. We arrived at the research base and found the keeper wringing his hands.

"Dingxiang has been inconsolable since you left," he said.

"Won't eat a thing! The two of you must have formed a bond."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Stay the night."

"Where?"

"In the enclosure."

They locked me in. The panda romped towards me. The keeper said, "By the way - Dingxiang's a boy's name."