Standing on the Bridge of Sighs

By EWEN CAMPBELL

Rule one of Italian racing driving is to dispense with the rearview mirror on the theory that what's behind you doesn't matter.

Unfortunately, that's not the case with newspapers, especially at this time of year.

But despite the hangovers, overdrafts and guilt over leaving the present-buying to the last minute, the holiday period does have a few compensations, the main one being the certainty that at least one TV channel will have screened - or someone will have bought you the video of - It's a Wonderful Life.

For those who don't know the Christmas tearjerker, suffice to say it's a classic Hollywood fantasy tale of an angel showing a suicidal man what the world would have been like if he had his wish of never having been born.

We don't know if John Hart ever got to the stage of climbing on to the bridge rail, but ...

It is November 7 and the Laurie Mains/Dave Dobbyn-coached, Todd Blackadder-captained, Speights-sponsored All Blacks have reached the World Cup final by thumping, squeezing and gouging their way to victory over the French in the semis.

However, the All Blacks have to field a much weakened side owing to suspensions and jail sentences following a meeting of the IRB citings committee.

Their opponents are Wales who reached the final because of the withdrawal of both South Africa and Australia who just couldn't handle all that close-harmony singing at the Millennium Stadium.

Welsh coach Graham Henry (yes, even in fantasyland the NZRFU board are capable of stamping their feet and taking their ball home) is able to field his strongest line-up. This includes star winger Jonah Lomu - he qualified for selection through his adoptive father Phil Kingsley-Jones - along with Michael Jones, Ian Jones, Stacey Jones and B.G. Williams.

And the result? The match is abandoned before the kickoff because of the worst storm to hit Cardiff in 150 years and the inability of the Welsh Rugby Union's World Cup stadium sub-committee to muster all 176 members in time to vote on whether to close that bloody roof.

After a week of rain, the subcommittee has still to vote on whether the decision to close the roof should be made by a show of hands or secret ballot. World Cup sponsors Guinness step in to award the trophy to Australia for having the best slogan: "Bring back Bill ... and hanging for rugby administrators."

Again, the All Blacks had been the clear favourites with the David Moffett-inspired "We're in a League of our own," but it all turned to custard when it turned out that Moffett was in fact, in league with the devil.

Talkback radio explodes, the New Zealand rugby public goes into shock with many needing trauma counselling ... are we still in fantasy land?

Moving along the bridge rail, there's Donna Loffhagen.

Don't do it, Donna, if you hadn't been under the net, a couple of centimetres and a few seconds from glory, then Belinda Colling would probably be standing on the rail instead.

Some things are just meant to be ... and the Silver Ferns beating Australia by one goal in the final of a netball World Championships is not one of them.

Who's that at the end of the bridge? Jed Rowlands? Don't be daft, Jed. You never really had a chance in the first place. Half the Auckland board wished you'd never been born even before you even got the Blues job.

And Ridgey, what are you doing there? We know nobody at the Warriors wants you, and those nasty Aussie refs have it in for you, but you're earning 600 grand, with a year to run on your contract.

Wait a minute, is that a bungi cord attached to your feet?

Oh, you're just here filming for a new soft-drink commercial.

It's getting pretty crowded on the bridge now. Most of Soccer New Zealand have just turned up.

Yes, they may have excelled themselves this year with the Confederations Cup, the launch of the Kingz and the Under-17 World Cup tournament, but why is it that even when it comes to suicide you still get the feeling they're going to shoot themselves in the foot?

Just next to Ridgey, there is a reserved area for the New Zealand cricket team. It's packed with bungi cords as befits their up-one-minute, down-the-next form over the years.

And, like the All Blacks' enclosure, it's also full of tweed-jacketed bespectacled guardian angels because, let's face it, where would the New Zealand book publishing industry be without them?

Finally, half the bridge has been cordoned off by a 4m-high electrified steel fence topped with barbed wire, security cameras and signs warning that the area is patrolled by guard dogs.

What Team New Zealand is doing here before they have even started defending the America's Cup is anybody's guess.

An official statement from the inner sanctum handed to journalists at the gates by two burly, cattleprod-carrying security guards in dark glasses and red socks - with the manufacturers labels missing - said: "We're not paranoid. We have proof that everyone is out to get us."

Which brings us back to John Hart.

Before embarking on the World Cup campaign in September, he said it would be a sad reflection on his rugby coaching career if he was going to be judged on just one game - ie, the 1999 World Cup final in Cardiff.

He was wrong. Like it or not, he will be judged on a 30-minute spell in the second half of the semifinal against France at Twickenham when his and more than half a nation's world fell apart.

Were the expectation levels way too high? Was there too much hype? Had Hart lost the plot in 1998? Were the All Blacks too soft?

One thing is certain. On January 1, 3000, some Cantabrian will be ringing up sports radio to say it would all have been different if Todd Blackadder had been captain.